GUIDELINES FOR 2009

CREDO 2009

Environment
Personal/ Emotional
Schooling


Stop making yourself worst/ stupid.
- Do not let somebody enter your life without your permission.
- Stop fantasizing someone you want. If you found yourself fantasizing, divert yourself onto listening to rock music while reading, play games. Never entertain those fantasies.
- Read a lot. Fundamentals, Med-surg etc. do not let your mind be vacant which tend you to think wasted thoughts.
- If you did something unusual, and you found it affects other people or it affects your self-esteem, do blogs to express yourself and try to forget it afterwards, talk to God and divert yourself on something worthy activities. Limit yourself on drinking alcohol and smoking. It doesnt give so much relief. (Smoking should be atleast once a month or just cease it into your life)
- Stop comparing yourself to others. You are different from them. Just do the best of you.
- Stop m..ting. Just to have some pleasure and the like! If you did, cut yourself.


Be happy. Enjoy your life to the fullest.
- Relax and Sleep. But limit it. Do not be too lazy. Follow the scheduled plan for the day. If you didnt follow - DO NOT SLEEP until you have done what supposed to be done.
- Play every week. Enjoy it. Either Saturday or Sunday. (Have a schedule for play)
- If ever you need to use the computer, use it wisely and as needed! Do not just use it for chat. Remove YM in your programs!
- Limit texting and chatting! Loading of cellphones should be every other week or once a month.
- If you want some change, make sure you can stand for it.
- If you gave suggestions, make sure that you have the capability to do it! Never suggest something that you cant prove you can do.
- Accept your faults. But do not make/ do too much mistakes.
- NEVER REGRET on something you have done. If you did something that resulted into a worst situation, still never regret. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS. Be responsible enough to face it even it is worst and even you became worst!
- Always be yourself. Never pretend to anyone that you want this and that eventhough you actually doesnt like it.
- Limit yourself on being so narcisstic/ Self-conscious. Stop minding anyone's feeling. Try to confirm to someone what is he/she actually feels with what you have done, for you to stop predicting/minding something that will surely makes you feel guilty or worthless. But always be sensitive to others with regards to your actions.
- If you did something, you did it because you want it. Not because you wanted to prove to everyone that you are better than others on doing that-something.
- Stop comparing yourself to others. You are different from them. Just do the best of you.
- Do not be too arrogant. Stop being so boastful. Always put yourself on the ground. Trust God in everything you do. Be obedient to Him and to your parents. Always put into your mind that God is everywhere, always with you. He sees you when you are down, He see everything in you, so be careful in your actions.


Study seriously!
- Always be guided with your planned schedule for the day. If you didnt follow that planned schedule, do not go to sleep!
- How to be motivated? Read and reflect to the "daily bread" for the day. (Include this on your everyday plan)
- Remain on-focus. Never allow anyone to enter your world. Do not entertain fantasies etc. FOCUS!
- If you found yourself suffocated, slow down!. Listen to music and relax for about 5-15 mins ONLY.
- If you got low grade on your quizes or unit exam, never regret on what you've answered. Think positively - you know you still lack basic information and again read the devotion for the day, talk to God and evaluate yourself. Then read and do what supposed to be done.
- Being so grade-conscious? ---- Remember these: (adapted from a friend of Mr. R. Fulghum)

• The race is not always to the swift, or to the battle to the strong, but you better bet that way. (It is not always the grades that matter, but better be guided that you should maintain your grades in a rightful manner - in a way that you study and learn the basics and didnt cheat, that's why you got good grades).
• Place your bet between turning the other cheek and enough is enough already. (If you did your best on studying the lesson and still you were not able to get what you want, always put in mind that you did your best to understand and digest the lesson and that actions are enough.)
• Place your bet between haste-makes-waste and he-who-hesitates-is-lost. (Go on what you think is right even it'll turn into worst,and if you regret on doing that then you lost, so never regret on doing something that may help you become a better and competent student/person.)
• About winning: It isn't important. What really counts is how you play the game. (About having good grades, it is not good grades that matters, it is how you got it - you have studied and then you've learned, you did your best and didnt cheat! - that's what matters.
• About losing: It isn't important. What really counts is how you play the game. (When having low grade/ failures in exams or quizes, that isnt matter, what matter is how you studied and how you did your best, how you did your duty as a student. If you got low grades because you didnt study, then you deserve it. Same as when you got good grades because you did study and focused on your lesson. But when you did study but still you failed, then think of it as a challenge. There are still lot of information you need to know and that is why you got low grade. And do not be so depressed. Talk to God and ask for help/advise. Do what He says.)
• About playing the game: Play to win. (About studying, study to learn and to get good grades, not to fling or to lose and eventully not to fail) STUDY SERIOUSLY!!!!
• (Always put your feet on the ground when you won.)

- Never forget to ask for some assistance, from your classmates or friends or professors. Always remember that you do not know everything and sometimes you cannot do some tasks alone. So better ask for someone's help!


Some credo adapted from Mr. R. Fulghum's All I Really Need to Know I learned in Kindergarten:
- Share everything.
- Play fair.
- DONT HIT PEOPLE.
- Put things back where you found them.
- clean up your own mess.
- Don't take things that aren't yours
- Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
- Wash your hands before you eat.
- LIVE A BALANCED LIFE - Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and danceand play and work everyday some. (Feel free everyday)
- Take a nap every afternoon. (after school)

and

- DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU THINK! (What you have thought for now may not be the same for an hour after or tomorrows).

I hope I could maintain this. Help me Oh Lor God.

Stop this!

am i going to be lost forever?

I should stop this feeling or else ill turn out into a worthless thing.

I should stop this.

Get this stupidity end!

I cant handle myself anymore. What more if it is too close?...

Stop! Control!


-----Stop this stupidity!!!!!!!
I hate this!

Nowhere..

I am now a bit of nowhere..

Do I need to concentrate myself on this?.. Put all of my emotions here?

Or do I need to keep it on myself until it'll fade..?

How could I move on if I'm still in the midst of confusion and anxiety..

I am worried..

Worried for what I have done.
I am worried for what should have done.
I am worried for what would be the outcome of what I have done.

I am pretty much confused on myself.

My mind thinks of this and that.. these and those..

I am oblivious.

I am afraid.

I am self-centered.

I do things just for the sake of being recognized.
I do things just for nothing.
I do things that would probably offend other's feelings.

I hate myself.

I am such a brainless, stupid student who just wants to make things go and flow on her way, on what she expects.

I am still an incompetent student.

I asks incomprehensively.
I comment nonsense.

I am lost..
Always making myself lost.

Isnt its my responsibility on my moves?
Am I not allowed to tell what's in my mind and what is bugging on it?
Am I not allowed to say something?.. Even it is worthless or even it is for the sake of me understanding what's really going on and what's really my opinion?

Even I cannot verbalize really what's in my mind?
Even I am trying to let others understand my point?

Am I not allowed to do so?

If not. why?..
For the sake of others? For the sake of grades? For the sake of not being so intoxicated? For PEACE?
How about the Peace in my mind?.. how about me understanding the right way?
How about it?

Is it just for the reason that we would not be taking it hard? For it to be easy on us?



What did I do?

Did I do the right thing?
Or did I ask something that makes the situation worst?
Did my actions complicated so many things?


What did I do?.....



I know I am responsible for my actions.
But I am still an incompetent student nurse.
I am still brainless.

Maybe I got good grades, but that's just because I am studying.
Studying in the sense that afterwards the learnings fade away.

I hate it.
I hate myself?

How will I be like those I idolized?

How?

Do I always need to support my emotions?
Or do I need to ignore it.
Just ignore it until it'll fade?

Do I need to keep myself shut? My ideas enclosed with my confused mind?


I am such a pessimist.

I hate myself.
I want to cut myself.
I dont want to feel anything.
I want to be immune with this feeling.

Feeling of confused, worried and oblivious.

I want to understand al the thoughts needed to be understood.
I want challenges.
I want to challenge myself.

And if I can. Then I would say I could, I passed the challenge. And my actions were right.
Then if I cant, then I still need to improve myself and try harder for the next time.

I hate myself.

What did I do?





Instead of this, should I distract and divert myself on something..

Should I?


The I hope I could..






I need to be strong.
Treat this worriedness, anxiousness as nothing.

Treat it as if nothing happened.
Treat it in nothingly.



If they will give me low grades due to my performance, then its ok. I know its my fault. But it's my responsibility to make things in a right way. And if still I didnt do it right then there's something confusion in my mind and needed to be clarified. And still grades are nothing. If I make it right then I have a good and high grade. If I make it bad, then my grades will still be bad. Then that's ok. I know it's my fault. And I need to improve.

Never ever regret for something. If you have done this, never regret.
If you got low grades because of being so lux then never regret.
But if you still got low grades even you did all your best, then that's very depressive.
What will I do to cope?
Still if that happened, you know yourself, you know you dont actually knew all. And you still need to know all the necessary information important for that case. Then still, never regret even that happened.

Just always do your best and remain on-focused.
Trust God and do your best and everything will be fine.

It may not align to your expectations but just think that what had happened is better than what you had expect.



Trust God as well as your self!!


Grade is nothing for me. But I am grade-conscious.
I want high grades.

But if being so grade-conscious makes me so depressive then I should change my attitude on having good grades.



If I have good grades but still I dont know anything, or the information faded as you talk.. in just a tick of a clock, then what's the essence of the good grades?

What's frustrating is that you knew the fact before and while studying it you got high grades, but then when you're recalling it afterwards you cannot remember any.. the terms, the value, the facts.. etc.. How come? Is there a problem in my mind? Or do I need to always recall what I have learned everyday?

What's the intervention then?.. Hmmn. Well I'll think of it later.. on christmas vacation maybe. I need to help myself.





If I learned a lot then I could probably say I will have a good grade, then If I failed then maybe I need to work harder and study harder.. That's all.



I am grade-conscious but I want to treat my grades as nothing!.... I want learnings to be absorbed and not the grades.

whew...

"For A Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic"
Just talk yourself upAnd tear yourself downYou've hit your one wallNow find a way aroundWell what's the problem?You've got a lot of nerve
So what did you think I would say?No you can't run away, no you can't run awaySo what did you think I would say?No you can't run away, no you can't run awayYou wouldn't
I never wanted to say thisYou never wanted to stayI put my faith in you, so much faithAnd then you just threw it awayYou threw it away
I'm not so naiveMy sorry eyes can seeThe way you fight shyOf almost everythingWell, if you give upYou'll get what you deserve
You were finished long beforeWe had even seen the startWhy don't you stand up, be a man about it?Fight with your bare hands about it now
I never wanted to say thisYou never wanted to stay well did youI put my faith in you, so much faithAnd then you just threw it away
.......................Such a Pessimist..

LOST in track

Where am i?

Where should i go?

Why am i doing this?

Within the three day vacant-duty I had, I became lost.
Lost. Or maybe making myself lost. Losing the track on the essence of my existence.

I want to be as free as possible. But I dont like doing nothing all day. When we were assigned to just make a research for the three day duty of ours, I felt a great relief because I'll be able to sleep all day and be rested. But for me three days are so long for me to do just sleeping and chatting and surfing and doing nothing or worthless activities all day. I then became anxious when I dealt with these free days. Im starting to have the idea of "Happy go lucky" and I dont like that.

With the schedules I planned for the day, I wasnt able to accompish any. And Im very anxious with that. It just let me realize that for the remaining days of the week I'll be then exhausted and maybe has only a little time to review and to do all the necessary activities I needed to be done.

Just the thought of I'll be having a long quiz on Philippine History on Friday and I wasnt able finish reading the covered chapters, I was able to read some but I still need so much time to digest all the ideas in there. Because my professor there doesnt help a lot on my learnings on Phil. History, Im just studying and trying to memorize it all by myself. I hope I could do that.. I hope. With only 2 days remaining and exhausted day tomorrow, I think its impossible for me to digest all. What will I do to make it possible?, For sure, after school, I'll be magneted in bed or I'll found myself studying MS, without taking into consideration that I have a long quiz on Phil History. Why would I bother to review on that subject? Phil History - just minor?.. Even it is minor I know it is still part of my grades and I should do my best to have a good grades there.

For now, what would be the best strategy for me to make this problem easy. Or make my grades with ease without having some confusions and problems...

Whew..

What..?

Im still lost..

What should I do?
I know what should be prioritized but I cant resist on doing unworthy things.
What will I do now...?

Just let it go?.. and let tomorrow judge me? NO! I dont want..

I think I need some motivation again..

Grrrr!

mind-bug

mind over matters..

my emotion makes me worst...


keep smiling!

Fly..

oh.. what a day...

it seems that i long for some fun.. FUNNY-thing ALONE.. Bonding with myself?.. Whhoaahh... I enjoyed it.. though I have so many things to do.. So many plans to make.. I wasnt able to concentrate until I satisfy myself from these-funny-stuff-thing. Maybe a kind of motivation for me..

Before I decided to go for some out-of-the-academe-mood.. I was reading alterations in respi and I wasnt able to concentrate most.. Why?.. Maybe because Im preoccupied with something/somethings/Someone???

Oh...

First...

I think because of the so many plans I have wrote in my list.. I cant decide which will I do first. When will I do.. And what would be my motivation to do it.. I cant find any...

Next.. Because of that thinking.. Motivation..Plans.. And all those stuff.. I was just fantasizing for someone in order for me to get on the mood and be lively enough to study and do all my plans..

But as I go on.. I observed that I cannot focus anymore.. I cant concentrate.. I cannot find myself studying... I think while looking at the book.. Im daydreaming... Until I have realized that I want to sleep first and then after 30 mins. I will continue reading...

But that didnt really what happened.. While my eyes were close, my mind is looking for some worthy things that I should do aside from sleeping and daydreaming while studying...

Until my mind decided to go outside. Go out of the room.. Out of the room where in I will not be so sleepy and unworthy to think of someone that is probably not also that worthy to think of .

So there.. I went to the school to borrow book in P.E and O.R.. and then I went straight to MOA.. Thinking that I might be meeting the eye I want.. But ofcourse always impossible.. Unless destiny will let us and agree... So there, while in MOA I have realized that I enjoy shopping. Shopping eventhough I do not have that so much money to buy all the things I want.. I felt Im free. I felt that my schedule is not that busy enough to let myself be free of the academe, selfcenteredness and so much undying unworthy stuffs, even for as while.. And so that's it.. While I kept myself busy on looking for some things I need, I realized that I was enjoying.. that my mind got out of the preoccupation-things.. And so I felt it became so helpful.. Eventhough that's not really my motive on going to that mall, eventhough our eyes didnt met, eventhough I didnt see him.. Im happy enough on what I did.. And that's because I feel that Im enjoying myself.. I dont need anyone to make me happy.. make me feel the way I feel when Im alone.. Being free, with nothing else to worry about.. I love it...

And so that's it.. Ahmm. Anyway.. As I have said before I enter to that mall, if I ever I didnt find the one I want.. Ill not force myself anymore.. Ill not let myself feel that Im desperate.. I dont want that word to describe me..

Just for me to decide that I need to go on the flow and just let God lead me on the way...

Hmmn.. Be cool... Be free... of the worries, anxities, assignments and all.. be free.. Fly and still I know I can reach it!... Anything I want....

So help me God...


Waaaahhh..

bugs..

Im trying now to be clearer enough to atleast know what really I mean for this some kinda helpful pad..

As of now, I am thrilled with the med-surg-thing effect.. taking into consideration that our lecturers are really that "thrilled" themselves.. Thinking and also just seeing them makes my abdomen stiffen and my heart to pump faster..

But ofcourse I dont want this feeling to take effect and rule out for the rest of my lecture days in m/s. I know this will just ruin my mentality and I think I got this feeling because im not yet used to them (to the two of them.. Calayan and Gonzales).

Meanwhile, just a few minutes before, I was viewing the profile of this some-kinda mysterious?weird?ghetto-chick?? or someone I do not really imagine the attitude.. This person... I cant imagine she could do all the stuffs in this world. I think I adore her for that. She do all those interesting stuffs that so far I cant say I could do in the future..

She's so free.. She's busy yet she could do all the gimiks and all.. How could she do that?.. I totally admire her.. (Maybe she's not that busy?...I dunno)

Not just by the way she teach us (eventhough I got some low grade in her quizzes a few weeks ago).. but also the way she deal with her life..

.. The way she dress, speak, think and all the way she do-I think.. I almost admire her most!...

She's so smart.. she's pretty... she's so cool.. she's rich (I think).. with all those car, things that you could see in a rich person..

Whew...



but I dont think she's kind and thoughtful just like the other profs I'd encounter...

I dont think so.. maybe Im wrong for that.. I dont really know her yet.. So I must not assume..

I hope I could deal with her properly.. In a way that I'll not be degraded.. and I will not feel some kinda worthless creature...

Overcoming her attitude really is the greatest challenge for me...

I hope I could...



Well anyway..

So 2nd semester is now really on-going.. And they all said that this is the heardest sem for the entire nursing course.. I dont think so.. Let us assume that I dont know that.. Because if I keep on instilling those thought in my mind, it could probably be true.. So.. I'll not let my fears overrule...

But ofcourse anxiety is still always there.. As they've said.. mild anxiety is healthy... So ill not avoid that feeling.. Maybe Im getting used to that...



---------------------



Retdem thing...


Actually.. This week. We had our return demonstration with the 52 skills i think.. and Im so happy and proud because I'd overcome the fear of not making it.. Its really an accomplishment for me.. Thank God..

And for now.. We'll be on the hospital until the end of the sem.. And I hope Ill learn more...





----------------------





hmmn.. with my motivation-thing....

I think Im just making myself too obsessed again.. With this guy!!!!..

grrrrrhh!!.. I hate it.. If I could just ignore him.. I would.. But I cant.. He keeps on bugging my mind.. Eventhough he is not actually bugging me..(maybe Im the one who has the problem) I keep on thinking that he's part of--- eerr!!! Im making it so deep. I hate it!.. So STUPID! I hate it.. I want to finally deal with it!... Maybe if I had the opportunity....



Maybe sometime..

Got to go..



Im being closed by this shop.. Haha.. (Wrong enough!) ggrrhh!..



Its too late now..

Minute-break

Two days..? ah one day na lang pla.. pasukan na naman.. Bagong mga pagsubok na ulit at bagong mga gawain..

Well.. After my vacation and all.. I could say that of all the vacations I had.. This was the most productive one.. Kahit na magastos.. Masaya ako dahil nabasa ko ang twilight series.. Except on the last.. Ill work for that this first week siguro ng pasukan.. Naout of time ako eh.. Im happy ksi I was able to occupy my thoughts with something worth doing for... Di ko nasayang ang oras at di ako nakapagisip ng mga kabaliwan ko to the max.. Waahh.

Well.. Im happy for now talaga...

Lalo na nung nalaman ko ung GPA and grade ko sa NCM.. Waahh.. I made it.. naka1.75 ako.. and it was all self fulfiling.. My sweats deserves its worth.. Waahh..

I hope the next of my NCM ganun pa din.. Waahh, I hope I could maintain this one.. Waah.. Yun lang talaga gusto ko as of now.. Waaahh..

Thank God talaga.. Waaahh....

Post Remark

All those stuffs.. All those pending examinations.. All those sleepless nights.. At last I could now finally feel the essence of being a student, or should I say the most awaited time of most of the students.. Its been a while where in my anxieties about my pending examinations are at its peak and I couldn't imagine that Ive overcome all of those.. Thanks for my savior. He let me have the wisdom and the courage to answer all those questions and let me remember all those concepts I needed.. Sleepless nights for now are temporarily over.. Anxieties are now gone.. And its time for me to ready myself for more anxieties and sleepless nights I will be encountering for the incoming semester..

As of now, my mind keeps on telling me that I should express my feelings about what I have achieved this semester. Actually, I planned to be one of the best in school but I cant overcome the pressure it gives to me. One of the best - not as being top, or being a scholar, but one of those students that have the capacity to do all the necessary activities intended for him/her.., also.. maybe one of the dean's lister instead...

Last semesters.. From 1st year college to 2nd yr 1st sem.. I was able to have a GPA not greater that 1.75.. (means 1.6.. or something).. I got those GPA easily.. Maybe I could say "no sweat".. maybe somehow it have but it was not as too pressured like for now..

Last week.. I just realized the the worth of being a dean's lister.. When I was just a first year.. I never intended to be on the list.. Wala nga akong pakialam kung masama man ako o hindi eh.. Basta I just have the thinking na I should do my best.. and whatever grade I will have.. I accept.. because I know its me who did my grade and I shouldnt regret...

But for now.. Im starting to be regretful.. First.. last 2nd sem 2nd year. I wasnt able to maintain that 1.75 below mark.. I'm not that too anxious when I got my grade before.. but for now.. I feel the lost of it... Huli na noh..??

Hmmn. anyway... my mind is now turning into "Hayaan mo na.. Ok lang yun..."..
Atleast I have proven myself that I am learning.. That's the most important part of it.. Not just because you are too pressurized with your environment and because you are a grade conscious student.. Its the knowledge and skills learned that is important.. Not for any reasons..

As of now.. I knew already my grade in Pharma and Strat.. And it just lined with my expectations.. But for now.. Im worried for my grade in NCM.. I hope I make it in line with my expectation.. Im starting now to accept that I cant make to be on the list. But instead... I hope my grade in NCM is worthy for my sweats..

I hope so...


[Its been this time that I became such a school-age and I hate it!!.. I hope I'll not be like that for the next semester... I dont wanna compete to anyone.. I just want to do things on my own... Without the pressures of someone or something.... I hope I'll be such carefree as possible in terms of my grades.. Carefree on achieving good and satisfying high grades.. ]

Smiley... ;p

Time

Why cant you make your time more productive and efficient?

Cant you feel the pressure it brings when you have insufficient time to make all your assignments/homeworks?

Time is like a wheel that continously rolling over your precious life. You cant feel the life without integrating all the necessary activities that you used or might not used to do. Time is really precious and its up to you on how you deal with it - as precious as life could be. You yourself have the power to handle your time well - its up to you if you will waste your time or not, make your life productive or not as time could allow.

As of now, I feel the pressure of the overflowing information and concepts I need to incalcate in my mind because of the pending examinations we need to pass for this coming weeks. I should have been reading books than writing here but I cant see the essence of that attitude because I think it will just make me more anxious, prolonging the agony. For me, ideas/information seem to enter in my head for a second then will disappear and will go out of my circulation after a few second. I hope I had a better memory to digest and to remember all the necessary concepts I need to understand for me to pass and to prove that I am learning. I want to see myself learning everyday. I dont want my time to be wasted and doing nothing for the rest of the day. Although it gives some relaxation moment, I could still look and find for something that is more toxic and more interesting, for me not to think of things that is unworthy.

I admire very much my professors because they have good and should I say very long-term memory to remember all concepts that is needed in our profession. You will ask them certain question and they immediately aswer you back right after. Seems like a reflex. I hope I could be like them. I admire them so much.. I am looking forward that in times that I will be asked by someone about certain topics with regards to my profession, I could confidently answer right away. I hope I could be that one...

Anyway.. My pending examinations are nearly coming to the end point of the time. And I could sense that those examinations will be given either at the same weeks or same day.. Gosh!! I hope I could integrate and remember all the concepts for me to answer all the applied questions.

These are the pending exams:

[FOR NCM]

- Health Promotion Strategy from Intrauterine to Elderly: (intrauterine, infants, toddlers, preschooler, school-age, adolescents, yound adult, middle adult and older adult)

- Oxygenation (For watch-out!!)

- Metabolism (For watch-out!!)

- Fluid and Electrolytes

- Infection Control, Immunology and Inflammatory

- Perception and Coordination

- Reproduction and Sexuality

- Cellular Abberation

- Human behavior

[FOR PHARMA]

- Drugs for Cardiovascular System (dyslipidemia, hypertension, angina pectoris and myocardial infarction, dysrhythmias)

- Drugs for Gastrointestinal Disorder

- Drug for Fluid-Balance, Electrolyte and Acid Base Disorders

- Drug for Nutritional Disorder

- Drug therapy for Endocrine System (thyroid, DM)

- Drug for Nervous System Disorders

- Drug for Neuromuscular Disorder

- Drug for Psychiatric Condition

- Drugs for Inflammatory an Immune System

- Drugs for Infectious Disorders (antibiotic, antimycotic, antiprotozoal, antihelminthics, antivirals)

- Drugs for Neoplasia

- Drugs for Acute Biologic Crisis (Shock, Renal Failure)

- Emergency Preparedness

----We only have 2 weeks left and we need to finish all those above topics in pharma from FnE to Emergency Preparedness. There are a lot of drugs we need to remember and we need to know.. How could I answer for the exam if I have been overloaded with information.. I hope I could remember and answer correctly on our final exam... Waaahhh.. So help me po Lord God....

[FOR STRAT]

- Developmental Strategies on Teaching

- Writing Behavioral Objectives

Waaaaaahh.. Im so pressured with all of these.........

As of now.. I need to do my NCP pa.... waahhh..

No time for extracurricular activities, no time for social life and no time for unworthy things. But still im carefree and still doing unworthy things.. still using my time for nothing.... Gosh.. I need to set limits muna and focus more..... Waahh. BAN muna YM and FRIENDSTER... Social life also... After this saka plang ako magsasaya.... Waahhh....

Actually at school I want to be quiet and talk to myself for the whole time but I cant make it.. I cant help but to talk and be jolly and happy.. Tsk.. I want to be serious by this time.....

So pls.. help me po talaga Oh Lord God.. Pls... Thank you po..

-Bibs.. (anxious again) 9.30 na pla......

Perfectionism

Has anyone of you encountered the word perfect, perfection, perfectionism and perfectionist?
From the word itself perfect means having all the qualities, excellences, or elements that are requisite to its nature or kind; without defect or lack; consummated; supremely excellent; complete. Perfection is the state or condition of being perfect; supreme excellence. Perfectionism is the theory that moral perfection may be attained, or has been attained, by men; variously held and taught by different sects and schools. Perfectionist is the one who demands an exceedingly high degree of excellence in the performance, behavior, etc., of himself or in that of others, he is the one who adheres to the theory of perfectionism.

From these words, thoughts, ideas and callouts are entering my head - keeping me disturbed and feel anxious above all my used defense mechanisms.

There's no such thing as perfect. There's no such perfect person who can be excellent above all the circumstances. There's no such thing as perfect student nor perfect classmate and perfect friend. There's no perfect daughter as the parents could think of, nor perfect sister as the brothers could viewed of. And there's no perfect person as the perfectionist could insist of.

From all of these stuff, all of these days I lived, I usually hear the phrase "Nobody is perfect". Yes indeed, nobody's perfect. But there's some persons who used to attain perfect scores, perfect grades, perfect life, perfect family, and perfect himself/herself. And this just proves that some person are used to be perfectionist.

And so where would I belong myself?.. Am i a perfectionist person?, pretending to be perfect at all times? or sick and tired of being perfectionist?..

Perfectionism creates a lot of pressure. It makes you feel frustrated, angry, inferior and envious. But when you attained it, it makes you feel happy, fulfilled and strong, with a high level of self-esteem.


Within my life, I used to be perfectionist one - esepecially on school, family and friends. But I could say that Im tired of thinking things to be almost perfect or should I say a life that seems to be no problem, no difficulty, no worries and no pain at all - a life that is perfect.

Im tired. Why is then so?, Tired maybe because of hoping things to be smoothly going...

When I was young, I used to be a passive child. And now, I could feel that Im searching for something.. searching for some perfect things to happen.

I want my mind to speak. And as of now, it keeps on asking why?, confused of things that is concerned about being perfect, attaining an environment perfect to life.. In school, I keep on hoping that everything will be perfect.. all the things will go and flow with what I think of.. with what I expect. And sometimes because my expectations didnt work, my mind turned into frustrations, envy and disappointments. Because of this disappointments, frustrations and envious feeling, I engaged to things that makes me imperfect. Imperfect in a sense that I could feel the worth and essence of my existence. This is in sense that I wanted to be like others that can do what they used and want to do.. like smoking, drinking alcohol and even abusing substances. When I was young, a child who is unaware of how things are flowing, I hate those kind of activities. But now, Im starting to engage on one of those and maybe if still be tolerated it will become worse and come to the point where in I couldnt even know myself already.

Why am I searching for imperfectionism?.. Maybe because Im sick and tired of searching for perfectionism, tired of hoping that things will exist according to what I want and what I expect that results to frustrations and disappointments. In order for me not to feel those.. I engaged myself to things that makes me imperfect.. and as of now, I could see the help it brings to me....

I know it is not advisable to do all those stuff but it is not as easy as it could be dealing with stress, frustrations and disappointments. I cant find any thing that makes me feel secured and comfortable for a while. Dealing with this helps me to even feel that I should live my life with full strength and go on the flow..

As of now, the boat is sinking and I think I let my self be drown.... Im so helpless.

Indifferent, insane, indecisive, uncontrollable mind..

Nakanino ba ang problema?.. Nasa paligid ko ba?, nasa isang tao ba?.. o nasa sarili ko lang talaga?..

Pinipilit kong sabihin at gawing bumawi sa bawat pagkakamaling nagagawa ko.. sa bawat downfall na nagyayari sakin.. Pinipilit ko sabihing next time aayusin ko na.. gagalingan ko na.. Pero bakit base sa mga ginagawa ko parang wala akong ginagawa.. Iniisip ko na dapat gawin ko to para makabawi naman ako.. pero di ko naman gingawa.. Instead.. binabaling ko ang sarili ko sa ibang bagay na napakaworthless at seems to be invincible.. Kumbaga.. gumagawa ako ng mga bagay na di naman align sa goal ko.. sa mga objectives ko.. Kaya naman ano ang nagiging resulta??.. Failures..

Pero iniisip ko naman.. gingawa ko naman ang mga bagay na ito dahil una para makaparelax naman.. para makaalis kahit papano sa pressure na nangyayari sa school.. para madivert ko naman kahit saglit ang sarili ko sa reality.. OO, minsan nakakatulong pero kadalasan hindi din.. Sa halip na makatulong eh pampadagdag pa ng mga naiisip mo..

Ano ba talaga ang gusto mong mangyari nica??...

Una sa lahat..
gusto kong makabawi sa Oxygenation and Metabolism.. Kasalanan ko hindi ako nagbabasa ng topic na yun during nilelecture.. Nawawala kasi yung interes ko eh.. Pero sa ngayon, dahil naestimate ko na ang grade ko for quizes in that concept, gusto kong makabawi sa unit exam..
Pano??
siyempre, magbabasa ako.. magststart ulit akong basahin ang book ko.. basahin at intindihin.. pero bakit ngayon.. di pa din ako nagbabasa.. ? eh kasi naman gusto ko munang gawin at pag-aralan yung nilecture ni sir last sat... para sa wed at thurs rereviewhin ko na lang at di na ko masyadong mahirapan pa..

oh cge gawin mo na...

Kelangan kasi you have to set contract with yourself.. stop doing some flings.. ikaw lang ang nahihirapan.. napapansin mo parang ikaw lang ang may interes sa kaniya.. at siya.. wala naman.. nagchachat lang siya para sa isang bagay.. nag-uusap kayo ng walang kasaysayan.. hay naku nica.. ano ba yang mga pinaggagawa mo??.. pde ba?.. ayus ayusin mo yang sarili mo... Stop it ok!.. Focus on what you should be doing.. Not on anything else.. sabihin mo mang para madivert ka kahit papano at marelax.. ibahin mo na lang.. wak na don.. ok..... stop it.. ok???....

STOP...

you wanna wait in vain.. you are stupid nica!!!
he's uninteresed on you, he's too aloof on you.. uncaring.. Stop it ok.. before anything else would happen... STOP start it right now. ok..



OK... I'll try to stop this.. ill try to ignore this until sembreak... thanxx...


back to study mode..

Depressions

Depressions really exist in life. Di natin maiiwasan na madepress paminsnan minsan. At paminsan minsan hindi mo na magawa ang dapat mong gawin o kaya naman mali mali na ang iyong nagagawa dahil sa pagiging depress mo. Pero ano ba talga ang dahilan bakit tayo nadedepress?... Para sa akin.. isa lang yan.. Dahil sa hindi mo nagawa ng tama ang mga bagay na dapat nagawa mo ng tama o kaya naman hindi mo naabot ang expectation mo sa sarili mo.. Kaya naman nadidisappoint ka sa sarili mo hanggang sa madepress ka.. Tulad ko nalang ngayon.. Nadedepress ako at unfortunately disappointed din ako sa sarili ko.. Nafufrustrate na din.. Lahat na.. Ito ay dahil sa malamang di ko pagkamit ng maayos na score sa unit exam ko. Kahit na ayoko ng bigyang pansin pa o palawakin pa, hindi ko talaga maalis sa isipan ko ang nangyaring iyon. Nag-aral naman ako. Sa lahat ng naging unit exams ko ngayong college.. masasabi kong ngayon lang ako lumagpak.. At sana di na toh maulit pa.. Sa totoo lang ayoko ng feeling ng napapasang awa.. o kaya naman bumabagsak.. Kasi dahil dito bumababa ang self-esteem ko. At dahil sa bumababa ang self-esteem ko, hindi na nagiging maayos ang performance ko.. Pero gusto kong tingnan ang pangyayaring ito in a positive way.. Kasi kung titingnan ko na lang palagi in a negative way.. lalo lang akong madedepress at magiging anxious. Sabi ko sa sarili ko.. it just proves that i need to learn more. Kung nag-aral man ako, malamang di pa sapat yung naaral ko para makapasa.. Siguro masyado akong naging care-free (palagi naman eh).. Pero di ko maiiwasan na maging ganon.. ewan ko ba.. Siguro its also my defense mechanism. Ayun.

To think na halos lahat ng profs and C.Is mo napansin ang resulta ng exam mo.. "Anong nangyari?" Nakakadisappoint talaga. Kahit na sabihin nating mahirap talaga yung naging exam.. Mahirap pa ring tanggapin na im below the passing rate.. It really broke my records. Anyway.. I was then so thankful kasi nadagdagan ng isang ponit ung score q.. so i could say that i passed. Pero mahirap pa ring tanggalin sa isipan ko yung pagpansin ng mga profs ko sa naging performance ko lalo na ang pagpansin ni Sir... Anyway.. Ok na yun.. I must learn to accept things I made. Siguro I should strive and study harder para naman makabawi ako.. I hope so.. Ayoko na ng feeling na ganito.. So pls.. help me po God..

And this proves na napakaconscious ko sa environment ko.. Sa mga sinasabi ng iba about sakin.. Negative or positive man.. Im very much particular on that.. And its really hard for me to change that kind of attitude. I hope I can change that. Whew.

Also, wag kasi masyado mayabang ok...??? Always be humble and thak God for all.. OK?

Thank God..

---niCa..

Falling down..

It's ironic that 9 times out of 10, the people who never fail are the ones who never succeed.That's because the people who never fail are not moving anywhere. They are content to sit within their small defined comfort area. They are never growing or taking chances.Success comes to those who have failed over and over again. It came because they kept pushing forward. They had a purpose that drove them... a passion burning inside. That's how they reached success.

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved. You gain strength, experience and confidence by every experience where you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you cannot do. And remember, the finest steel gets sent through the hottest furnace. A winner is not one who never fails, but one who NEVER QUITS! In LIFE, remember that you pass this way only once! Let's live life to the fullest and give it our best.

Author Unknown
http://www.trueinsights.com/inspirational/150

Anxiety.

May mga bagay bagay sa loob ng ating katawan na namimilit sa atin upang gawin ang mga bagay na minsan hindi natin gusto hanggang sa malaman nating gusto na pala natin ito, nagiging parte na pala ito ng ating buhay at kasama na din pala sa sirkulasyon ng ating katawan.

Nakakapanibago kung iisipin na gawin ang mga bagay na ito.. hindi tayo sanay.. hindi natin feel.. lalong lalo na wala namang sapat na dahilan para gawin natin ito.. Pero kung talagang iisipin at pag-uukulan ng pansin, ang mga bagay na ito pala ay nakakatulong sa atin.. Nakatutulong sa atin upang umunlad, magbago at magkaroon ng sariling pananaw sa buhay.

Bilang isang tao, bilang isang anak, bilang mag-aaral, bilang isang kaibigan, at bilang isang nilalang na ginawa ng Diyos, nasanay ako na maging responsable at mag-alala sa mga bagay na nangyari, nangyayari at mangyayari pa lang.. Bakit kaya ganon?.. Una, bilang isang tao at nilalang na ginawa ng Diyos, nasanay ako na humingi ng tulong Sa Kanya sa mga oras ng pangangailangan, magpasalamat Sa Kanya sa mga masasaya at magagandang pangyayari sa aking buhay, nasanay ako na kausapin Siya sa mga oras na wala akong mahingan ng tulong at sa mga oras na hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili.. Nasanay ako na humingi ng konting yakap Sa Kanya para makaramdam ako ng kakaibang seguridad sa mundo.. Mga bagay bagay na nakaugalian ko.. Pero saan ko ba nakuha ang ganyang kaugalian?.. Bilang isang labing-walong taong gulang na babae, hindi ko pa masasabi na marami na akong napagdaanang mga pagsubok para sabihing sanay na ako sa buhay, hindi ko pa masasabing marami na akong nagawa na kapakipakinabang. Sa katunayan, wala pa siguro yan sa mga gagawin ko pa pagkalipas ng mga taon. Masasabi kong marami pa.. marami pa akong gagawin at magagawa.. Pero saan ko nga nakuha ang ganyang kaugalian?.. In a way, bakit gusto kong malaman??...

Bilang isang tao, masasabi kong hindi ako normal tulad ng iba.. Nasasabi ko lang ito dahil siguro self-centered ako, mas binibgyang pansin ko ang sarili ko kaysa sa iba, mas concern at conscious ako sa sarili ko.. Sabi ko nga multiple ang personality ko.. Pero sabi ng libro, nagiging marami ito dahil na rin sa environment, sa kapaligiran ko.. Siguro nga. Napapansin ko, bilang isang anak, kaklase, mag-aaral, kaibigan, etc iba ako.. Mga bagay na dahil sa environment ko iba ang naipapakita ko.. Pero gusto kong malaman kung sa lahat ng ito.. ano ba talaga ako? sino ba talaga ako?.. na kahit balibaligtarin man ang mundo masasabing ako yun at wala ng iba?.. Sino at ano?...

Bilang isang tao at kaibigan ng sarili kong pagkatao, maraming bagay ang pumapasok sa isipan ko na minsan hindi ko kayang dalhin, mga katanungang hindi ko kayang sagutin. Kung iisipin para na rin siguro akong baliw. Pero nakikita ko pa namang kahit papano normal ako. Yun nga lang siguro iba ako sa lahat. Siyempre lahat naman tayo may kakaibang personalidad, may kakaibang pagkatao, yun nga lang depende sa atin kung paano ito dalhin.. At ako bilang magulong tao, iba-iba ang paraan ko kung paano dalhin ang mga bagay na nagpapabigat sa damdamin ko.

Defense Mechanisms. Marami yan. Siguro lahat niyan nagawa ko na. Hindi lang siguro ako aware. Pero kadalasan nagawa ko na para lang maitago ang lahat ng totoo kong nararamdaman. Reaction formation, Projection, Rationalization, Denial at marami pang iba. Halos lahat. At alam ko lahat ng tao nagawa na yan. May kanya kanya tayong stressor at paraan para maalis ang stressor na yan. At minsan dahil sa masyado na tayong naiistress, nag-aalala na tayo sa mga bagay na nangyari, nangyayari at mangyayari pa lamang. Anxiety in short.

Dati naaalala ko, high school pa lang ako non, hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang salitang anxiety/ anxious, ni hindi ko nga alam kung pano ang tamang pagbigkas niyan eh.. Pero ngayon, bilang isang college student, masasabi kong halos lahat ng araw ko umiikot sa salitang anxiety/ anxious. Bakit ba kasi nabuo pa ang salitang yan?..

Anyway, siguro, holistically, marami ngang mga bagay sa aking buhay na bumubuo sa pagkatao ko. Isa na ang pagiging anxious. Pagiging anxious ko sa role ko sa buhay. Sa pagiging isang anak ng aking mga magulang, pagiging mag-aaral, studyante, kaklase, kapatid, kaibigan, kaaway at marami pa.. Marami pa.. Identity vs. Role Confusion. Sabi nga ni Erikson. Pero hanggang kailan kaya ako mananatili dito sa crisis na ito? Anong gagawin ko para makaalis at makasurvive? Masasabi kong isa ito sa mga stressor ko sa buhay. Pero mahaba pa naman ang lalakbayin ko eh, siguro matutulungan din ako ng oras at panahon.. palagi naman eh.. Sana lang.. Sa totoo lang, siguro nababahala ako na hindi ko maabot ang next stage ni Erikson. Sabi kasi sa book, you can't move on to the next stage whenever you failed to resolve the crisis. Ibig sabihin, di ko pala maabot ang intimacy kung confused pa rin ako sa role ko sa buhay at sa identity ko. Hmmn. Anyway, bata pa naman ako eh.. at sabi ko nga mahaba pa naman ang lalakbayin ko at siguro hindi dapat ako mabahala kung ganon man. Ah ewan ang gulo ko talaga. Sa katunayan, pinipilit kong maging malinaw at maintindihan ng lahat pero parang magulo pa rin. Still reflects my being.

Sa ngayon, nabubuhay ako sa sarili kong prinsipyo sa buhay:
1. I trust everything to God. Hindi dapat ako magpakita ng kahit anong galit Sa Kanya. Alam ko alam niya lahat ng gingawa ko, iniisip ko at nararamdaman ko. Alam niya kung ano ang mga makakabuti sa akin. Alam ko nilalayo niya ako sa mga bagay na makapagdudulot sa akin ng hindi maganda. Wisdom, Knowledge and Strength.. lahat galing Sa Kanya.
2. Magkaroon ng balance na buhay. Balance pagdating sa school, lakwatsa, laro, kaibigan. Balance ang sikreto para mawala ang stress.

Sa ngayon, nagtataka ako kung bakit ang ibang tao, hindi nag-eenjoy sa pag-aaral. Hindi tinatapos ang pag-aaral. Yun iba naman studyante nga pero di naman nag-aaral.. Pano yun? Hindi naapreciate ang pagpunta sa school bukod sa pagkakaroon ng baon.

Para sa akin masasabi kong napakasarap mag-aral. Kahit na isa ito sa mga stressor ng buhay mo. Masaya naman dahil marami kang natutunan. Maraming nalalaman. At napakasaya bilang isang taong maraming alam at maraming experience. Learning is gained through hardwork and experience. Experience enhances your capability to think, to work and to do right - Para sa akin, yan ang learning. Ewan ko na lang sa iba.

Ang tanging sikreto.. BALANCE... sa palagay ko...

Pwede namang maglakwatsa kahit nag-aaral hindi ba? Pwede maglaro ng computer, pwede magsine, mag SM, gumimik.. Pwede naman hindi ba?.. Magboyfriend, maglasing, magyosi at kung anu-ano pa.. Kahit nag-aaral... Para sa akin, pwede as long as nababalance mo at alam mo kung ano talaga ang mga dapat mong gawin at hindi. Mga dapat binibigyang importansya, pinaprioritize..

Basta ang mahalaga you are in lieu with your goal and responsible enough to meet that goal.



--Bibs.
(Back to study-mode)

waiting is FAITH

being what?...

being what??...
within this days.. i was in the state of again-being confused and something like i want something.. yesterday.. we had just a devotion, volunteered-devotion together with my groupmates.. it just said that..

"We should wait until God gave us what those we want.. Keep the faith and He will give that to us on the right time.."

Yes.. That's what im into.. why do i keep on searching?, keep on minding things that soon will be made if God approves.. Why am i too excited and anxious on the things that maybe not for my time yet. when I see other people together with their loved ones.. i have the feeling of When can I have that ones too?.. When can i feel the true emotions and true love, true care and true TRUST.. ?? When..? When this comes on my mind.. I just let it flow until I have get rid of it through my sleep.. But again, it keeps on distructing me. Hmmn.. Yes.. I do want to wait.. Wait until God has given me the opportunity.. I know.. this is one of the plan of God.. and I truly accept and respect that.. I think He knows all the consequences if I myself will be the one who will decide and make choices on my life.. without His consent or any, I know He knows what will happen to me if He will not guide me and control me on doing things like letting myself in deep emotions until i forgot all what's reality... Thats it.. I know that.. Hmmnn.. Why am I like this now?.. maybe because of the ENVIRONMENT.. again.. because of the things happening around me.. it just happened that i am too anxious and uncomfortable of the ideas that is for me unworthy to think of.. I dont know!.. Im too insane... Maybe because of too much admiration to Mr. N.. ahahaha! and i see him to my former classmate.. , with that.. i am too anxious.. hmmn.. whats on my mind then?.. Hmmn. basta.. its all about jeff.. what he's up to and what do i need to do on false thinkings about him.. mga "Tamang Hinala".. hmmn.. anyway.. I'll just wait.. as said above.. and i think im too busy to have those mentality on comitment.. hmmn.. ill just ride what God wants me to be.. Go on the flow and ride as if I'm with God....
Thanks to Him..


--stop it!!

expectations..

wait.. i think i must take a break first.. actually, ngayon lang ako ulit nagkaron ng tym to ryt here in my blog and unfortunately.. as always its because of something that i need to express and something i cant figure out all by myself.

it's been a week or probably 5 days ago since i celebrated my debut and i think im not yet able to get over with it. that time.. i dont know if im happy or not but im sure to myself that somehow it gave so much happiness on me.. those memories that i will cherish all through out my life.. expectations are not meant just to see yourself being there.. it's just a thinking what might happen.. expect the unexpected.. that's what they say..

and so.. what's happening with me ryt now?.. if im happy then why am i not getting over with it..? i hope i could be.. i cant focus yet.. i cant study seriously and i cant do all the things i must do.. what's happening with me??.. a while ago.. i just took the personality disoerder test here in the internet and this are the results;

Disorder RatingParanoid: Very HighSchizoid: ModerateSchizotypal: ModerateAntisocial: HighBorderline: LowHistrionic: HighNarcissistic: Very HighAvoidant: HighDependent: ModerateObsessive-Compulsive: Low

It's shows that I'm very paranoid and narcissistic..

Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant. They usually shift blame to other people and tend to carry long grudges.
Symptoms of Paranoid Personality Disorder:
Unwillingness to forgive perceived insults
Excessive sensitivity to setbacks
Distrustfulness and excessive self-reliance
Projection of blame onto others
Consumed by anticipation of betrayal
Combative and tenacious adherence to personal rights
Relentlessly suspicious

Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recongize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. Narcissists tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them.
Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
Requires excessive praise and admiration
Takes advantage of others
Grandiose sense of self-importance
Lack of empathy
Lying, to self and others
Obsessed with fantasies of fame, power, or beauty


and so that;s the result...

whats the cause of this then..??


hmmn.. i think it is all because of what just happen last saturday on my debut..

although im very satisfied with the outcome.. still there are regrets that comes to my mind.. and there were things that i supposed didnt do..


first.. i was very dissapointed to my college classmates because they didnt even give notice that they will not attend on my party.., not only my college friends but also to my highschool and some other friends i know.. i even bother to put their names in my invitation card and yet they didnt even i come.. i should have list those who are very promising to come.. and that's my fault then... honestly im very dissapointed and hurt that time.. also.. because of what i just did.. i keep on reminding them that im inviting them to come and when they told me they wouldnt be coming, i insisted that they should come.. to think na kinukulit ko pa sila para lang pumunta sila sa party ko.. kkainis.. why did i do that?? hmmnn.. that's what im really bothered of.. what kind of friends they are..?/ after i gave trust to them.. thay just let me fall and turn their back in front of me.. i dont like that.. itskk.. maybe it was also my fault because i expect that all of them will come and see me transformed because of turning from boyish to a little lady dressed in gown.. tskk..

i want to get over with those things kaya naman i wrote here.. i didnt tell this to anybody.. and i think my fruiends and also my mom are really confused on what am i in righty now.. kahapon.. i misplaced the P600 peso boundary and i felt bad on myslef then.. my mom was thinking something on me and thinks that im not in myslef anymore.. then a while ago, my friend asked me if i have any problem?? i said i havent.. but to be honest i think i have but i dont want to tell them.. i want it to be resolve all by myself.. i know this will pass and i know ill overcome all these thoughts.


but anyway.. to be honest im happy that day and i hope God will not be mad at me because of some things im not satisfied with.. i hope ill get over with this and so pls help me God.....

NUMB

seems that i am starting to be confused and be frustrated this time. Whew!.. i hope i will have a good grade this summer class in our ncm100.. whew. a while ago until now, im very frustrated because of the result of my quiz in this subject. tapos last friday, i got 2 mpls na already... whew.. and this friday will be the continuation. i hope di na ko ma-mpl this time.. help me God..

competitiveness....???????


i do want that word but i cant refuse to hate it. because im starting to be conscious with my grades and be insecure to others with whom have higher grades than me. whew!.. i hope i am as strong as a bamboo, no one can ever make me fall, no one can ever destroy!!!!!

NUMB in all pains, hardships and a lot things in this world.. if i could be then why not?..

but seems.. always impossible!

whew!



-frustrated enough to be like this...

Summer

Our summer classes were already started and i have the
feeling of too much tardiness. Ang init! tapos mafefeel
mong kau lang tao sa skul. Sa nagyon, although kilala ko
na un karamihan sa klase, uncomfortable na naman ako sa
kanila. ewan ko lang kung bakit. siguro dahil sa
kakaumpisa lang nga ng summer tapos new friends and new
classmates na naman - although kilala ko nnman sila -
bagong pakikisama ulit at bagong paraan ng
pakikipagkasundo sa kanila, or should i say bagong nica
nanaman ang ipapakita ko or makikita nila sa akin.
during the previous sem, on our community, i could say
that i have changed. i was able to change my personality,
my self-esteem as well as the way i talk and communicate
with my classmates. and with that change, i could say that
it totally make my self-esteem high and be confident in
everything i do unlike my 1st yr to 2nd yr 2nd sem stay in
LPU. that change was influenced by my peers-my classmates
and for me with my peers during 2nd sem, i have found the
comfort, trust and satisfaction of having friends within
the school.

by this summer class, i hope i can also be more
comfortable and be truly i am when i am with them.
actually, what hinders my personality is what i see my
friends think of me. my self-esteem lowered when they
think that i am not that good, i have no right to speak up
some important things, also some right to speak and make
some jokes, and the like. also, i think what hinders me is
my insecurity to some of them - to be honest, insecure
with those grade conscious students - the scholars.
although i always tell myself that we were just equal and
i can prove that i can beat them, still the word scholar
always made it best. kaya naman, the feeling of regretness
always comes to my mind but still i accept what i have
done and try not to feel bad about what ive done wrong.
Going back to the summer classes, hmmn. i think di pa
talaga ako masyadong nakakapagmove-on with my schedule and
as always, the feeling na bumabagal ulit ung oras dahil
sira na ulit yung time frame mo at dapat mo nang baguhin
dahil may new schedule ka na. and i hope mag-enjoy naman
ako this summer, i hope maging maayos pa din ung mga
grades ko and i know eventually, makkapagmove-on na ko sa
schedule pati na rin sa mga classmates ko ngayon.
however, natatawa na lang ako pag naiisip ko yung mga tipo
ng professor na meron kami. feeling ko parang napakabait
nila sa amin at parang nasa isang seminar lang kami, the
only thing that gives me challenge and fear is only when
they give quizes and exams, the rest parang wala lang.
naisip ko to dahil sa mga pinapakita ng mga prof ko
ngayon.. hmmm. ay may biglang pumasok sa utak ko.. i dont
want to say anything na lang kasi baka mabago at
mabaligtad pa pagdating ko ng next level.. heheh.. basta
masasabi ko napakafriendly ni mam sipin, iniisip niya
talaga kung ano yung mas mapapadali sa amin at mas
makapagbibigay sa amin ng saya at pag-asa when it comes to
studies... heheh. i love it!.. sana lahat ng prof ganon..
hehhe..

ayan.. mju nabunutan na ako ng tinik ngayon kasi nasabi ko
yung ibang gusto kong sabihin at may nakausap at
napaglabasan na ako ng saloobin. sa ngayon, nakakondisyon
na ko pra mag-aral ng nutrition at makapagadjust sa bago
kong environment sa klase (although di naman totally
nag-iba, ung feeling lang na bagong section and so bago
friends, bagong pakikitungo at bagong personality na naman
ata).. Naiiba-iba tlaga ang personality when there's new
things that comes to your life> tingin ko naman hindi,
kasi kung ano ka un talaga ang mapapakita mo at makikita
nila sayo, do therefore di ka nagbabago.. un nga lang...
hmmn. (ay wag nang kunontra pa, basta kung ano ka un ka
tlaga, di mo na kailangan magpretend ng kung anu man..
ok??)

hehehehe..

"personality mode nanaman!"

heheh.. ciao!

Community

Whew.. the 2nd semester was again over.. and i couldnt
imagine that ill be turning to new semester this june and
stand up to the next level - 3rd year. 2nd semester is
over and it only means that the community works and
whatsoever with regards to the community is over.
eventhough it is to be continued in 4th year, still i am
so happy that i/we survived community immersion in Los
Banos, doing all the surveys, tallying, making outputs
with all the revisions and doing all the activities to be
passed, collecting funds for our class, and ofcourse yell
and command all the members of the class to keep moving
and do whatever task needed to be done. doing this
activities for the community is really tasky however i
enjoyed a lot!

first, meeting place: 7-eleven buendiain going to Brgy. Mayondon Los Banos, Laguna, we have to
wake up early in the morning - 4am-4.30am and i think my
classmates wake up earlier than me. my mom was the one who
wakes me up and i think if i didnt tell her that i should
wake early, i would be late. and fortunately, within the
community activities, i dont have any tardy or late or
absences. and im so thankful for that. whenever i see the
7-eleven in buendia, i couldnt help but to remember those
times that we met at that place and leave at 5.30am to go
to the bus station - the Green Star Bus, a ride trip going
to Laguna, and specificallywe go down between Caltex and
the Olivarez Mall, and then we again move on to another
7-eleven stall to wait for Ms. Pingoy, and then leave at
8am to go to Brgy. Hall of Brgy. Mayondon.

Most unforgettable moments during the community immersion:

- nung last week of data gathering, in Purok 6. because of
that my groupmates call me "Joaqin Bordado" - nung time na
un hinahap ko yung mga groupmates ko ng bahay para
mapagsurveyan, and so we found a house with a swimming
pool so we decided na magsurvey dito kahit na walang tao
sa labas, maybe nasa loob so i said "tao po! tao poh!, tas
bigalang may bumulantang sa harap ko na aso (dalamatian
ata un) at biglang sabi ng "Hhhhraw!aw!aw1", so dahil dun
nagulat ako at biglang napaurong. and unfortunaltely i
lost balance, i dont know how to back off, i think ulo ko
ung una kong binack off kasi nasa harapan tlaga sia ng
mukha ko, bka sakmalin ung mukha ko so ung mukha ko ung
una ko inurong bago ung paa ko, kaya naman nalost of
balance ako. at dahil sa nawalan ng balance, tumambling
tambling ako sa sahig t nakita ng mga klasmyts ko.. grabe
tawang tawa sila.. tas pagdating namin sa brgy.hall,
kinuwento ni r.a ang mga pnagyayari sa buong klase kasama
sina mam pingoy and mam sipin, at ung ibang 3rd yr.
grabeh.. dyahe un!.. hehehe..

- umuwi ng gabi dahil sa tinatapos pa ang walang katpusang
revision ng final outpout.

- ung successful naming napresent kina mam ng community
profile namin, na makikita mung lahat ng members ng klase
ngparticipate at ginawa lahat ng mga inuutos sa kanila.
ung pagpresent ng paperpoint, ung mga tables sulat-kamay,
tulungan sa pagsusulat at batuhan ng mga analaysis during
the presentation.

- while doing many things, some will ask "pano ba toh
iaanalyse, pano ba tong ganyan?", na wala akong masagot
kasi di ko din alam at nasa ibang gawain naksentro ang
utak ko so sinsabi ko nalang, "look for books na
magssupport sa mga sinabi mo sa kung anong plagay mo anong
meron jan.." hehe, and i think di un masyadong nakatulong
sa kanila., pero dahil naman don, naging maayos ang
presentation namin!

- magovernyt? - d na un masyadong common sa akin.

- ah nung namiss ko ung first quiz namin for the finals sa
sts dahil sa pag-eedit. di ko na un masyadong dinbdib kasi
ayaw ko ng mkaramdam pa ng kung ano man sa sarili ko.

- maningil ng seedmoney..

- magcramming dahil sa dami ng mga dapat gawin.

because of this community immersion/activities, masasabi
kong nag-enjoy tlaga ko together with my BSN2-1 klasmyts,
dito nailabas nila kung ano talaga ako at naipakita ko
kung ano talaga ako. also, they made me feel comfortable
and my self-esteem increased because nafeel kong accept
nila ako at dahil don i have the confidence to speak in
class..

thank you for that! an i hope, i can also feel the
acceptance my new classmates this summer until i graduate.
hehehe..

bookhunt.

i'm still in the midst of finding out my real self.. yesterday, i just bought an english version of the bible.. - my personal bible. i hope i could be more inclined with God. while in the bookstore yesterday, i have read the "All i really need to know I learned in Kindergarten', and i found it very inspiring.. i want to buy that book but i am not that sure if that book will help me to go on in this life.. but, still i am looking forward that within this year, i finished reading that book.

mountain

a girl climb up in a mountain. she did lot of hardworks to be on top. suddenly, there was a storm and thunder and lightning and the girl was about to fall. the girl realized that she is about to fall. after realizing the possibility of falling, she thought that all her hardworks can be turned to nothing - all in trash and be wasted.

moral lesson:
dont be too arrogant. if you did a lot of works just to present something correct and you found it definitely right compare to others, dont assume that it is all right. because when the judgement comes, the very first level that needs to be justified and should be correct might be wrong which will surely made the next level and the whole work WRONG!

never assume too much!, always put you feet on the ground.

comment - multiple personality

a copy from the comment of shermin in yahoogroups.


whoa.. *nose bleed* ang haba ah.. natural lang na malito ka sa agemo.. stress lang yan.. hehe.. well, yung sinasabi mo na iba ka sabahay at sa school, tama, dahil sa environment yun, pero mali na ka-plastikan yun. ganito yan, yung actions na ginagawa mo,unconsciously yun, meaning ginagawa mo siya ng automatic. akala molang, hindi ikaw yun, pero lahat yan, personality mo. ok, nalilitoka dahil marami kang iniisip masyado. 30% yung unknown area mo, itcould mean anxieties. may mga insecurities ka siguro, or otherpersonal problem. mababang confidence at kung anu-ano pa. hindi kokasi masyadong alam yung ugali mo kaya hindi ko masabi. kung hindilang bawal, ikukuha sana kita ng personality test eh.. kasi kahetkonti marunong naman ako mag-interpret, yung minor details lang.sayang. pag may available copy na ako, kahet photocopy lang, ipa-pa-test ko sayo. hehe.. pero the best thing to do is analyze yourself.obserbahan mo lang yung sarili mo, sabi mo iba ka sa school, gaanokaiba pag nasa bahay ka? mas maingay ka ba sa school? hindi ka baclose sa pamilya mo? may galet ka ba kahet kaninong party (schoolfriend, family member)? compare mo yung differences, tapos later onmaiintindihan mo na rin kung bakit ka ganun pag andito ka or kungbakit sila ganun.. mga ganung bagay.. honestly, ang hirap magbigayng mga perceptions dito eh.. dapat personal na ginagawa toh paramagkaintindihan tayo eh.. hehe.. anyhoo, yan lang muna angmaitutulong ko.. sa monday may personality test daw ulet kami,hehe.. try kong i-gets yung interpretation nun. hehe. nga pala, ican administer a personality test or two. pero hindi ako magalingmag-interpret. hehe.. pag may time tayo pareho, we'll check it out.=) yown!-shERmz-

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

sabi nga pala ng prof ko, anxieties lang yan.. hehe.. lahatdumadating sa point na yan, ang kaibahan lang eh kung paano mo siyaiha-handle. stressful talaga ang college life kaya ganyan. teka, anoka ba pag kasama mo kami? pag kasama mo yung klasmeyts mo? eh sapamilya mo? baka naman, ganyan ka lang kasi sociable ka, you can bewith any kind of person. hehe..magkakaanak sila? i dont think so.. they cannot PRODUCE their OWN.ampon, hindi kanila yun, blood is thicker than water. pano pagbiglang binawi yung bata? tsaka, one thing, it won't last forever,ngayon siguro feel na feel ng mga gays ang isa't isa, eh pano bukas?kunwari, isang guy and gay, pano pag nakahanap ng girl yung guy?iiwan na niya yung gay?sabi nga pala ng prof ko, sorry sa wordings ah.. takpan niyo na langmata niyo.. eto na, yung mga bakla, maaaring gusto nilang mga babaedahil ang perception ng society sa beauty ay women. perhaps gustodin nila ng atraksyon sa pagkakaroon ng boobs or whatever. sabi rinniya, walang lesbian, bakla lang ang meron. parang defense mechanismlang yung pagiging lesbian nila, baka naging man hater na sila kasinaloko sila o kung anu-ano pa. one more thing, pag ang babaenakakita ng isang erect na penis, automatic ang response, mag-iinityun, and basa na.. hehe. parang natural response yun eh. pero sacase ng bakla, kahit may nakahubad na babae, walang erection yun.except lang sa mga bi ah.. sabi ng prof ko yan.. sori sa mga salita..hehe.. hust sharing.. baka makatulong..-shERmz-

GUIDELINES FOR THIS YEAR

01.09.08

GUIDELINES ON HOW TO BE AN EFFECTIVE AND PROGRESSIVE PERSON

1. Stop making yourself worst.

2. Do a lot of readings, dont let your mind be in vacant which will tend you to think of too much wasted thoughts.

3. Be happy. Enjoy life to the fullest.

4. If you did something, never regret. Remember its you the one who decides.

5. Be yourself. If you want some change, make it or do it.

6. Accept you faults. But dont make/do too much mistakes.

7. Dont be too lazy. Your rest time should be atleast 30 minutes to 1 hour. (sleeping hours)

8. If ever you need to use the computer, do browse (friendster, yahoomail, groups, chat) for only one hour. Never exceed to one hour. Use the computer as needed.

9. Make your time worthy.

10. Texting especially to y, should be for atleast 2 days for every 4 moths. If you want/ need to use cellphone, use it as needed not just for pleasure, flings or just for own happiness, or whatever worthless things.

11. If you want some change, make sure you can stand for it and make sure that you can do it.

12. Study seriously. But if you found yourself being suffocated, slow down, take some rest, relax, look for friends who'll make you happy then enjoy what you are doing. Again, never regret.

13. If something is bothering you, let it be expressed. Make some blog, speak to a friend or relax. Making blog should be atleast 1-2 hours.

14. Have the motivation to study. after taking rest, do the assigned works and the requirements that needs to be done.

15. Dont be too arrogant. Always put your feet on the the ground. Trust God in whatever you do. Have the faith in Him. Always put into your mind that God is everywhere, He sees you when you are down, He sees you when youre up, He sees everything in you, so be careful in everything you do. Always thank God for all the blessings He gaves and for ALL.

16. Dont be too plastic. If you dont want, never pretend that you want it; if it is bad, dont pretend that it is good, just to please other. Stand for what you think.

1DO THESE RULES OR ELSE YOU'LL BE ON THE WRONG PATH.

multiple personality

just wanna answer my previous question..

as i read my book in psycho.. natural lang daw pla ang pagkakaroonng mutiple personality.. ung tipong iba ka kapag nasa skul, kapagkasama mo yung mga friends mo and other friends and kahit kapag nasabahay ka.. kasi one of the factors that affects our personality isthe environment or the people around us.. we tend to be what theypressume or whatsoever they see on us...kaya naman we act on the waythey pressume and act the way we want them to see.. but as we knowourselves, parang iba yun sa totoong tayo base na rin sarili natingpag-iisip.. (second voice: ibig sabhin may pagkaplastic ka pla?,kasi ginagawa mo lang ung isang bagay dahil yun ung nakaugaliannilang makita sau and gusto mong makita nila yon sayo.. pero angtotoo di naman ikaw yun pag nasa harap ka ng ibang tao).. hah? anggulo.. hehehe. tama ba?...

as i evaluate myself, i take for example the johari window..
25% Public area (i know myself and others know)
30% Private area (i know myself but others dont know)
15% Blind area (i dont know myself others know)
30% UNKNOWN (i dont know myself others dont know)

that's what constitute my self-concept.. but that is not factual..haha.. how did i assume that i have those percentage in thosearea....?--only from what do i feel.. i want a factual basis.. yungtipong survey tapos kung ano yung kinalabasan, may meaning taposmalalaman mo nlang.. yun nga yung ikaw.. yung ganon bah...hahahah.. anu na ba tong pinagsasabi koh../??

im still in the midst of reformation and searching the real me.. hahaha.. lakas ng tama ko!! hehe

out-of-my-mind

wow. as of now, i finished reading all the thoughts that i wrote here last year and i cant imagine that somehow i can express my thoughts through writings!.. i like it.. very much!..
well.. as i've said.., we're already in the road of 2008, and i am so confused on what will happen for this year...

kakastart lang ng klase namin last thursday, and i feel so tired pa rin coz i wasnt able to take a long sleep during the christmas vacation because im in the market helping my mother selling fruits, and we were blessed because naging maayos naman ung pagtitinda namin and unexpectedly, naubos lahat ng fruits namin during the last hours of 31st of December... i was thinking then why do people in the Philippines have a tradition of collecting circle fruits when the new year comes.. anyway.. that's the first time my mom encountered having empty store for the last hours of the year.

01.06.08 2pm
and by now, sobrang nabubulabog ang isip ko.. i dont know why.. i want to release this kind of feeling.. this kind of mentality. grabeh.. feeling ko sasabog na ung utak ko dahil sa halo-halong ideas na nakikipagunahan para mabasa ng utak ko.. mababaliw na yata ako, or should i say.. malala na ang kalagayan ko.. hmmn.. as of now i cant identify all ideas inside my mind, but ill try.. first, i am thinking of he yesterday's topic of our group in Logic.. we will have a debate on finals and the group choose to discuss "is same sex marriage should be legalized in the Philippines", i thought i had the group where in the members are quite not good, and still i cant prove if my perception is right because i do not know and see them doing the debate. anyway, in this topic i belong to the affirmative side.. and what really bothered me was my co-affirmative members. they are all bisexual.. why did i choose to be on their side while im not sure in my identity. yes, i know im a girl but i cant understand myself. during this hour together with these bisexual classmates, i thought im also a bi., but i cant really said that i am.. i want to but i cant at this time. maybe time will come that i can prove that im a certified bi.. then also, what bothered me was the thought of why am i so happy whenever i speak to my exbf-lucky., i think im really a girl whenever i speak to him, but when i stand in the room where there are my college friends i think im not the "NICA" my highschool friends knew. am i a being having many personality..?, i dont know. that's why these ideas make me so confused. so much - where in my head turns to gray and empty coz of too much thinking., also, early this morning when i about to wake up, i thought of things that will make me certified bi.. and i remember that my classmate said to me that he will look for a girl for me. shocks!, during the time he said that to me, it was ok then.. but i realized that it is really hard to have an on-the-spot relationship.. i mean.. you tend to know this person because you yourself know that this is because this person will be my partner(gf/bf).. and its really hard because ive already felt whats the feeling. so a while ago, my mind turns to april - my classmate, or should i say the girl i wanted because, when im with her i can tell all my feelings and be as sabog as i can or be makulit all in all and she makes the same way.. inshort im very comfortable with her. so because of that i think i like her to be my gf., BUT.... i think i cant!.. i dont know how to court a girl and i am afraid to what will be her feeling if i tend to do so.. natawa nga ako sa sarili ko kanina kasi napabangon ako dahil sa naisip ko na gumawa ng letter para ligawan siya pero naudlot din yun kasi nagbago yung isip.. ewan ko kung matutuloy pang sulatan ko siya.. or sabihin nlang sa kaniya ng personal.. ewan ko na lang.. basta im so afraid on what will be her reaction and also natatakot ako na mareject niya ako at dahil sa ginawa ko masisira yung friendship namin.. i dont want that to happen, kaya sobrang pinagiisipan ko kung tama ba tong gagawin ko.. kaya siguro sumasakit tong ulo ko..
next is nakausap ko si lucky kagabi and di ko maipagkakaila na masaya ako pag nakakausap ko siya.. it doesnt mean anything but im just happy lang talaga.. that's all.. no one can make me happy sa text even my high school friends, my other ex.. they cant.. but except on lucky.. siya lang talaga.. i dont mean anything basta sinasabi ko lang talaga na iba yung feeling kapag siya yung katext and kausap ko sa phone.. aun... tapos lam mo ba inadd ko yung gf niya sa friendster gamit yung account ni anje.. pero di niya inaaccept.. bkit kaya?.. i have the feeling na si lucky yung nag ddeny dun.. nakakaasar.. bakit nila nirereject,.. nakakaasar tuloy.. gusto ko na lang tuloy malaman kung ano password ng dalawang yun para di nila ako napapansin.. pero.. palagay ko ako rin yung my problema kasi bkit ko pa ba sila pinapakelaman?.. hmmn.. di ko naman sila pinapakealaman, gusto ko lang naman malaman yung laman nung profile nung gf nia.. yun lang.. walang ibig sabihin un para sakin.. (pero pakkialam pa din yung gnagawa mo).. ok, cge pakkialam na kung pakikialam.. basta walang ibig sabihn yun para sakin.. yun lang un!.. (ah ganon?).. uu. ganun na nga..
anyway.. hehe. the ( ) marks are the voices i heard deep in myself.. hehe.. do i still have the feelings for him?.. i think i dont have na... -- yan, that is next to the ideas that bothers me.. i know in myself na wala na akong feelings sa kanya.. na friends na lang talaga kani and i dont expect anything from him.. besides i dont want him to be with me again kasi i dont want my life to be miserable again... (eh pero bakit nakikipag-usap ka pa din sa kaniya and di lang yon.. pumapayag ka pa sa mga gusto niya and worst is sumasama ka pa sa kaniya kapag inalok ka niya na makipagkita.. pinuprove mu lang na easy to get ka pagdating sa kaniya.. napakacheap mo!) ouch!.. bkit nga bah?.. di ko din alam eh.. basta ang masasabi ko lang gusto ko din naman kasi kaya pumapapayag ako.. (and so, bakit mu gusto?)... hmmn. ewan koh., cguro dahil sa nasasabik pa rin ako sa pagmamahal ng isang jowa.. or should i say sa kaniya.. (hmm. myakz. ganon? bkit di ka na lang maghntay and ireject and mga gsto nia).. nirereject ko naman kaya lang pabago bago yung isip ko, un nga ung nakakaasar eh.. tsk., i have my boundaries and i must set limits from him.. i should follow kung ano man yung napagkasunduan namin ng sarili ko about sa kaniya and sa mga bagay na di maganda para sa kin.. kaya should go back again to what should i be.. i must CONTROL myself so that nothing bad will happen.. and also.. im going back to where i should be.. in school and in the room studying our lessons.... whew..
so now i think i have the motivation to study.. kanina kasi badtrip ayaw ng utak ko and siguro ayaw ko din.. ill be going to church kaya i should sign out.. kanina i told ange that ill be going to their house after i went to church and said to myself na kkwentuhan ko siya pra nman mabawasan yung mga nasa isip ko.. pero di ko alam kung makukuwentuhan ko pa siya kasi ayaw ko nang alalahanin or balikan pa yung mga naisip ko at mga naisulat ko dito.. di ko din alam.. tingnan na lang natin...
bye,...
3pm