Open and excessive happiness.

This 1st semester of my 4th year gives me so much happiness and a lot of changes within my self - my attitude, my feelings, my moods and emotions, my environment and my perspective in studying. It really crashed my sleepy world but then its okay and I became so much happy that they wouldnt believe that it was me.

If I will to think of this too much happiness, I am really afraid of its consequences. Consequences that will eventually bring me to my depressed mood and loneliness.

I like this feeling. Being so carefree but then when there comes a trouble, we enjoy partnering each other. Enjoying while in the midst of time constraints activities, unit exams for tomorrows, etc.

I really love it.. my group, my feelings right now, my mood when there comes my friends, my groupmates. I really love it. But I am so afraid.. Afraid for my own actions. Afraid of letting them see the real me and then reject me if they tend to dislike my personality. I am so afraid.. I am so afraid to see and feel that they were just been untrue and plastic to me. I am so afraid. I am so afraid that I am only the one feeling this kind of happiness and making rude to myself and to other people.


I am so afraid. So I must control this excessive happiness and try to be on my modest mood. So that the impact of parting will seem to be so light. But it will be so hard ofcourse and I will just let myself be conscious about it. Maybe I will then just go with the flow while closing the so much open happiness.

confusions..

Ayan na naman..

Nalilito na naman ako..

I get easily confused. Confused of everything. Confused always. I s this one of the manifestations of my unknown or should I say maybe-known personality or psychiatric disorder?

Do I really have that Bipolar Disorder?

The symptoms are present in me.. especially the racing thoughts, delusions- grandeuor delusions, difficulty in concentration and focusing, easily distacted aetc. As of now, I cant still say that I really have that one but Im pressuming that I have some kinda unhealthy mentality.

Going back to my confused thoughts. I want to get rid of it as of now, that's why im here writing in this page.

confused.. first of all in my real identity.
Its been somewhat confusing and very distracting that Im again and again going back to my issue with regards to my real identity. to be really honest, i know that Im a girl, a true feminine-soft-hearted girl who loves boys and attracted to no other than but boys. But still here I am losing my mind figuring out my real identity, knowing my true self and knowing what should I do. For now, as i know myself, yes I like boys but something is making me be aloof with them. To protect my self-image and my ego, I used to use several defense mechanisms. Almost all the defense mechanisms in order for me to maintain my integrity and protect my image from this-pleasure-seeking-id. And so I think with regards to being boyish and having some different identity, maybe it is just a form of defense mechanism in order for me not to entertain boys and be distracted with them, and for me to control myself and not let myself fall for them. And I could say that it was been effective. But as of now, it seems that it is kinda being different, a more complicated situation. Because of this boyish type, I let myself be attracted with girls, taking into consideration that I know I still like boys. I let myself be attracted with them, among those are ep, em, and now Im letting myself fall to er. Is this right?.. With this thought, I think Im just making my identity confusion worse because Im dealing and entertaining persons same with my gender.

What will I do then?

I dont want to be confused.
I dont want to deal with it and make it worse.

I just want to do things right. Free and happy.

Will I be free and happy if I deal with the persons same with my gender?

What?.. I dont know as of now, but still let's see if some spark will appear and make me fall for someone not against my will.

Let's see. Just be happy and enjoy the free life.



With this confusion.. is it one of the symptoms of my known-psyciatric/personality-disorder? Or is it just a way of fooling my mind..?

What?

With this manic and depressive events, unstable emotions, mood swings and mixed states, when will I be stable?.. How could I prevent my self from the stressors that triggers my mood swings, my disorder? how?.. I should control myself. Control. Control. Control. I need it!

So pls help me po God...

Thanks. ;I

contd. Summer 2009

June.18.2009

As I try to remember and write all my memories this summer vacation 2009, I could say that I had a wonderful, productive yet sometimes boring and futile experience.

I ended my 2nd semester in 3rd year happy and content and tired. And as I face my summer class, I tend to be so carefree and so what I got was a grade not-so-fulfilling. Simultaneously, I cant imagine how I manage to throw up all my money and my actions. First, there was this business-thing that was endorsed to me by my high school classmate. Initially, I/ we thought that all of us for-eys will be having a gala mode and some sort of a psych-test by my BS Psychology-major-classmate. That time I was supposed to be joining my classmates in visiting Fort Bonifacio and Luneta as our major project in Rizal Course. And so unfortunately, I prioritized my high school friends rather than my project, so I ended up wasting a lot of money, a lot from my savings. Such a dumb idea right?

It was Saturday when we all went to Megamall. Having the thought of I will be answering some questionnaires for a psych-test for their thesis gave me the feeling of some excitement. But eventually, I got a feeling that something was wrong and I/ we was been trapped -- trapped by the idea of my high school friends who invited us. So my heart kept on pounding and beating and my mind continued asking 'where are we? where are we? what is happening?'. I cant believe my trusted friends trapped us and made us believe of something not true. We was been kidnapped. Kidnapped for a reason to have some big-money-profit-business. So the time comes when we were actually told of the real story that because of this business they were able to earn 8k a week and we must be open-minded and blah blah blah. So I came to believe. When we were crossing the pedestrian lane to reach this business-thing, I got the picture of it -- zoomed twice, trice, to its maximum image. I remembered my college classmates talking about this, chatting how they earn a lot of money from this business. Just invite and sell some of their products, you will be able to earn a lot. Initially I dont want to believe, but as time went by, I believed. I believed in a way that somehow maybe I could also earn a lot of money by just inviting and selling some of their products. So because I believe I opened my pocket and gave them my deposit - to have some reservations. Yes, I imagined how to be successful with this kind of business, how I will deal with my friends and neighbors to buy and join me in this business. I really imagined it as successful same as I imagined it as worthless to the point that I may fail. Fifty-fifty thinking. I cant weigh the one as being heavier than the other. Regardless of this, my mind continued to believe that somehow I will be able to earn just like those who are members. So the next time I went to this place I gave my second deposit. Actually, the payment was so big that I can not really afford to pay right a way. So I managed to give down payments in order to afford it easily. Because I really want to join and to pay fully and be a member in just a second, I went to pawnshops and asked what's the cost of my white gold bracelet. Oh, that costs 5k. The first time I went there, I only asked, and then for the second time I surrendered it. I dont know if Im fortunate or not in the time where in I got my 5k to be my full payment in the said company and my friend was not replying to my texts that I will go to the place and he must accompany me. Because I have a Recognition, Alumni and Testimonial Dinner to attend that time, I cant wait in his response. So the time of my waiting made me think so seriously. First, "having this money, if I go to the place right this time 1pm. I might be late in the event which will be held in school at 6pm." Second, "having this money, without my white gold bracelet knowing that my mother will use it for the event, she might wonder where is this bracelet and she might accuse someone, a member of the house steal it. And I dont want that to happen -- the fault is mine and she is accusing someone. That thought I cant take." Third, "having this money, without my white gold bracelet, I might lost both of it because of nothing, the negative feeling that I might not be able to return and get all of those. I feel so sorry for myself. Though they will always encourage me not to think of this negative side, I cant really take it." I sought help. Help from the Holy Spirit in making my decision. So an hour after, I decided to return the 5k, though it has an interest of 300, still I gave it back. With so many wasted money, full of resentment, still I must encourage myself to continue and serve this struggle as a challenge and a lesson for me of course. I throwed so many in trash - my money/ saving maybe max of 2k, my atm card, my principles, tsk. This should serve as a lesson!

Nothing but sweats worth your goods.
And we must think as frequent as possible before we act.
Weigh accordingly.
Seek help especially from God and others.

Of this summer season.. i learned how to drive a car and so for me it was then as great as any other event.. regardless of my faulty and worse experiences this vacation. hehe.

and also, at the same time I spent reading "Tweak" by Nic Sheff.. and I could say it helped me a lot to compensate and be free from my worries and anxieties brought about by my deeds and wrong doings with those days..


Thanks ofcourse to our dearest God..

Summer 2009

June.11.2009

This summer is kind a productive yet my body as well as my mind seems to be uncooperative.

First and foremost, I feel so grateful because I was able to attain a satisfactory grade for the year 2007-2008, my third year in CON. I was one of the Dean's Lister who was been recognized in the 1st Alumni, Recognition and Testimonial Dinner in the College. Eventhough Im not a scholar in the University, atleast Im one of the list. Though a part of me feels that Im not deserving, still my mind continues to uplift me and say that 'yes, my sweats worth it.' Its the attitude that most counts, right? I was able to overcome all my fears in my 3rd year in Lyceum - my fears towards my two 16-unit-major subject, my fear towards my strict yet so kind and considerate professors and my fear towards my own self: my attiude - laziness, helplessness sometimes, hopelessness, and my need of the motivation thing. Im so thankful because I was able to overcome all of those. I remember, the last time we had our post-conference in SM Lazo Medical Center, Mr. Gonzales reiterated that all of us were being taught of the knowledge we need, all of us were doing the same skills, but still there's always a person who usually stands out among others because of his/her attitude. Yes, all of us were being taught of the knowledge, the skills we needed, but still the attitude is the most important because if you dont have it, I think your work is so worthless. This concept is always reiterated to us. And I believe to it. By my last year in this college, Im looking forward to myself being with this attitude and seriousness in my studies. I still want to attain my goal to be one of the dean's lister and ofcourse to pass all my exams and eventually pass my board. I know everybody supports one another and Im sticking to God's will for me.

Going back, I ended my 1st and 2nd semester in 3rd year happy and content with my performance and my grades. But I will never forget the performance I did on my summer class. I was so lazy that time and some of my classmates thought of me being so 'pariwara', which I agreed with, especially to my Rizal course. Maybe because that subject seems to be so boring for me and I dont know the essence of studying the course. But there's no feeling of resentment ofcourse. Its my action, so Im responsible to it - that is one of my principles. I want to be as carefree as possible, mostly to the subjects that for me are not worthy for my seriousness. But my carefreeness seems to be so extreme that my major subject was been affected. I got many MPLs. I want to be mad at myself because I was been so careless in a wrong way. Maybe because of the hot weather which made me so lazy, the summer environment which made the other students to rest and us to go to duty and study, the new group which i can hardly deal with - the new groupmates whom I can hardly adopt with or maybe Im not open to them which made me not to integrate myself, some sort of a feeling of emptiness, motivation or something, mood-swings, personality problem and blah, blah, blah. These were the factors which I could say affects my attitude towards my 4-unit Related Learning Experience this summer. And when I got my grades, seems to be satisfactory but there's a feeling of some resentment. I know I can do better than that. But for me to feel good, I need to accept my fault, so I must face the consequences of my actions, better not to regret.

The List

Oftentimes the rain is dropping too fast
From above, to the roofs unto the ground.
You want to grasp the rain,
But it keeps spilling.

Though nothing has left
And the rain fades silently,
Your hope depends to the tiny drops
To fall in the window and tops of your home.

Gained as you wish from these droplets you had
Dreaming of a bright sunshine is seemingly broad,
That the visions became so blurred
By the darkness of the star.

You, as dark conscious being
Believed the star will shine as the sun
Even filled with bucket-full of rain drops
Will parch after seizing through the list..

Who really am I?...

Who Am I
Casting Crowns Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Bridge:
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.


I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.


I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
I am yours..
I am yours..

I THINK GOD CAN EXPLAIN
By: Splender

There's a lot of things I understand
And there's a lot of things that
I don't want to know
But you're the only face I recognize
It's so damn sweet of you
to look me in the eyes

Chorus:
It's alright, I'm O.K.
I think God can explain
I believe I'm the same
I get caried away
It's alright, I'm O.K.
I think God can explain
I'm relieved I'm relaxed
I'll get over it yet

The sent of vasoline
in the summertime
The feel of an icecube
Melting overtime
The world seems bigger
Than both of us
Yet it seems so small
when I begin to cry

Repeat Chorus

I'm so much better than you guessed
I'm so much bigger than you guessed
I'm so much brighter than you guessed

Repeat Chorus

I think God can explain
I think God can explain
I think God can explain

Buhol

Nakakabuang kapag hindi nasasabi ang gustong sabihin. Nakakabaliw. Lumilipad lipad lang sa utak. Ang hirap pang hulihin... Para kang naghuhuli ng isang bagay na hindi mo alam kung ano.. Isang bagay na gusto mo lang hulihin para makawala.. Makawala sa tinatago ng iyong sarili at sa mga bagay na bumubulong at bumubulabog sa iyo.

Minsan nagaganap ang giyera. May isang sulok sa iyong katawan na nakikipaglaban para sa isang hangaring makawala at makaligtas. May isang sulok din naman na humihila sa iyo at nakikipaglaban din sa paraang hindi maayos at walang kasiguraduhan. Saan ka papanig? Saan ka pupunta? Sino ang iyong susundin? Dahil sa buhul-buhol na ideya, mga nakikipag-unahang utak, mga posibilidad na walang patutunguhan at mga ideyang paulit ulit na naiisip, hindi mo alam kung saan ka talaga papanig. Isang araw, napagkasunduan na dito ka kumapit. Ngunit darating din ang araw- malamang isa, dalawang oras lang ang nakalipas, heto na naman ang iyong sarili at nakikipaglaban kung tama ba ang desisyong ginawa o mas tama na pumanig sa kabila. Hanggang sa makita mo na lang ang iyong sarili na ginagawa ang mga bagay na wala na naman sa patutunguhan at walang kasiguraduhan.

Hanggang kailan ba ang labanang ito? Hanggang kailan makikipaglaban ang iyong sarili laban sa iyong sarili? Sariling utak laban sa sariling hangarin? Sariling hangarin laban sa nakatakda. Sariling paraan laban sa nakatakdang paraan. Hanggang kailan?

Dahil sa buhul-buhol na ideya, nagaganap ang mga ganitong pagtatalo. Kung susuriin, dapat lamang sigurong ayusin ang mga ideya -ayusin ang pagkabuhol nito, ituwid, plantsahin kung maari at gawing pulido. Ngunit paano? Paano?

Punung-puno ng katanungang walang kasagutan. Wala o maaring di alam ang kasagutan. Kung alam man, di pala kayang gawin, di pala kayang panindigan. Ngunit dapat tulungan ang sarili. Sa lahat ng pagkakataon, nagtatalo man ang mga ideya sa loob ng utak, dapat tulungan ang sarili. Sa kahit anong paraan.

Sa kahit anong paraan? Utak na naman ang pagaganahin -Ang aalam kung ano ba itong "kahit anong paraang" ito. Madadagdagan na naman ang bubuhol sa utak. Madadagdagan na naman ang mga hinaing, mga pagtatalo. Wala nang katapusan.

Plak. Plak. Plak.

"Tulong! Tulong! Tulong! Ano ba ang dapat gawin? Ano ba? Tulong!"


> "Itulog mo na lang yan"
>> "Iinom mo na lang yan, tara alak tayo! Yosi ka muna."
>>> "Drugs tayo gusto mo?"
>>>> "Magbasa ka na lang ng libro.. Kahit anong libro"
>>>>> "Mag-aral ka na nga lang.."
>>>>>> "Isulat mo nalang yan.."
Pinahihirapan mo lang ang sarili mo!


Tama laban sa mali. Dahil lang sa buhul-buhol na utak, malululong ka na sa alak, sigarilyo, at droga.. Buti ba kung sinunod mong magbasa na lang, mag-aral o di kaya naman ay magsulat. Depende lahat sa iyong utak, sa iyong sarili, sa iyong sarili, kung alin ang susundin mong paraan..

Iyan ba ang dahilan kung bakit ang ilang kabataan ay nalululong sa mga ganitong bagay? Dahil sa buhul-buhol na ideya sa utak?...

Kung iisipin ano ba ang punu't dulo ng pagtatalong ito? Ano ba ang dahilan ng pagkabuhul-buhol ng mga ideya sa utak mo? Ano?

--Siguro dahil hindi mo nagagawang kumawala sa iyong sarili. Kumawala sa mga ideyang bumubulabog sa'yo--Bumagsak ka sa school, naghiwalay ang iyong mga magulang, broken-hearted ka, loner ka, nawalan ka ng kaibigan, namatayan ka ng aso, pusa o minamahal sa buhay, nireject ka, naguguluhan ka sa iyong sarili, nawawala ka, naliligaw ka, di mo alam kung saan ka pupunta, di mo alam ang silbi mo sa buhay, di mo makita kung sino ang dapat panigan, ano ba ang dapat panigan, nakakita ka ng taong pinatay, pumatay ka ng kapwa, nagsamantala ka, nanakit ka ng kapwa at iba pa...

--Siguro kailangan lang na tulungan ang sarili. Ilabas mo, ika nga. Nagtatalo man ang mga sulok sa iyong utak, kailangan pa ding tulungan ang sarili.

Paano?

--Siyempre, unang una sa lahat humingi ka ng tulong kay God. Lahat ng iyan tungkol sa iyo alam ni God, kaya naman huwag magatubiling humingi ng tulong Sa Kanya..

-- Ilabas mo lang.
-- Ipahinga mo lang.
-- Kumain ka.
-- Magpakasaya ka.

Pero higit sa lahat, tawagin mo Siya. Siya ang makakatulong Sa'yo. Hindi ako sobrang relihiyosong tao. Isa rin akong napakamakasalanan. Pero sa panahon ngayon alam ko Siya lang ang makapagtutwid ng pagkabuhol ng iyong utak. Samahan mo na lang ng ibang ingredient, isang ingredient na ibibigay Niya din sa iyo. Parang isang rekado na bubuo sa lasa ng buhay. Bubuo sa tamis, pait, saya, lungkot at silbi ng buhay kasama si God.

Kung ano man ang ingredient na iyon, ipaubaya mo na lang din kay God.. Proven and tested, to attain peace-of-mind.




Nakakabaliw talaga kapag di nasasabi ang mga gustong sabihin. Pero kahit ganon, nalalaman mo kung sa paanong paraan mo matutulungan ang iyong sarili...

Paano nga ba?... Haay.


Each person answers for their own actions, and even then its God who decides.

Innate

Its very ironic to say that even though i keep on telling myself to stop, i still continue hoping, believing and fantasizing that someday we will have the same feelings. From now, I know its just a fling and no other deep feelings present. But still my mind continues to seek and believe that someday you will be mine. What a worst idea! Based from what I see and feel, you dont actually like me. You dont actually want to entertain someone like me. And you dont really have feelings with me. Though maybe I assume you have, it always ends to nothing. So why would I always bug myself with this? Why would I bother and make some effort to insist myself to you?.. If I know you really dont care. Why would I always make myself be stressed because of thinking of you. Why?

Maybe its just an innate part on me. And I really hate myself being like that!

---------

Do I really have feelings with you?
Do I really care about you?
Or do I just make myself believe that I like you?

For now, there's no reason for me to keep in touch with you.
But still, I keep on insisting to be closed to you.

From this point, I think the problem falls to the way I think and the way I handle distractions.
The problem is all about me. Not with others, not with the environment, not with you,
But with me. -- How I bug myself onto something futile and make myself be distracted.

Maybe its also an innate part on me.
And I cant help myself to change that.
Maybe I could modify that attitude, but there will be some feeling that may be ignored if I did.
Which then will end me from being HURT..

My Box

The moment of peeking. My mind seems to be so abusive.My heart cant win over with it. Sometimes it is better to treat yourself as being so stupid.Being so stupid as always..Because your heart keeps on pounding, beating, and caring for someone. Sometimes its worth is not enough to satisfy its meaning. There's a lot of meaning around us. When you are inside a box for a long time and you try to peak for a moment to be aware..you would see the best and the worst part of the environment. You will feel the caress of air every night, the longing for something you do not have, and you will feel that you have nothing except from the innate nature around you. By feeling those desired and undesired thoughts, the traumatic event seems to be always waiting for you to come. Until keeping inside the box is the only way to satisfy yourself and to keep yourself from feeling those traumatic events. Being inside the box is the only way to help yourself, to live life without worries.So from now, after ending the futile conversation and after peeking from the edges of my box, I must come to the point wherein I should close it and keep it from longing. Keep myself from being so stubborn, stupid, worthless, aggressive, and submissive. I must keep my box close until one day someone will open it and carry me from inside out. Letting me realize the beauty of outside, the beauty of the environment, the caress of air and the worth of life..So I must stop peeking. I must keep my box close as long as possible.. I must never try to open it all by myself...

My Heart

My heart

When I open my eyes, I found my heart
When I close it, I can't feel the pounding, the beating, the feeling of this heart longing for something
Am I really longing for this?
Or I just make myself worst by longing for something futile?

I am not actually deprived with love
Honestly, I have a lot of those.
From my parents, friends, and ofcourse from God.

So why am I longing for some additional?
If I will then turn worn out at the end
Why am I searching for additional mind- and heart-bugging activity
If I know that it will destroy me and distract me from being so silent.

Do I need to allow myself on this?
I should not.
But my eyes keeps on opening.
Keeps on peeking.
Until I found the real cause of that cheating.

I want to keep my eyes close.
Keep the feeling in vain.
Keep my hopes certain to God.
Keeps my dreams blank.
Keep my mind to rule over my heart!

If the Heavenly Father will allow..

Waiting at rest.

Nonsense.

Why are you here?
Are you waiting for something?
Waiting for someone?
What are you for?
and Why are you here?


Those questions flushed on my mind as I was doing and sitting here infront of the computer.
Why am I here then? I know myself that Im not into something. Just wanna spend the remaining time doing nothing infront of this thing. Sigh.
Are you looking for something? Are you waiting for something? or Are you waiting for someone?
Such a stupid question.
Such a stupid act.
Such a stupid person. Am I?

What's the truth then?
Im not into something. But Im just into satisfying myself.
How? how do I satisfy myself with this?
With this that Im doing nothing but thinking of a stupid act. Stupid mindset.

I hate boring days. I hate doing nothing.
And I hate the thoughts inside me while Im at rest - Full of rest.

but why?

Maybe due to the waiting attitude.
Waiting. I hate it.



Before the year started, I agreed that I'll stop doing things that would make me worst.
Yes. Im doing that. Only when I'm busy.
But when Im not, I cant see myself doing that.

After the restless days. I think ofcourse of rest. And I love that.
I love seeing myself at rest after the days of hardworks.
But too much rest seemed to be a poison on me.
Being intoxicated with "rest"
That's why Im ending up hating it.

How insane it is.
I know.

Too much rest caught me waiting.
Waiting for something -
For being loved, for being inlove, for being in the line, for being inspired.
Until I found myself losing.
So why I hate it.

I dont want to wait.
I dont want to keep myself intoxicated with rest.
I dont want myself restless though.

Waiting keeps me hoping for something so unpredictable.
Something futile. Something worthless.
Something unmanageable.


I just want to be guided with God's grace.
With God's love.
With God's purpose.
With my purpose.
With what He planned to me.

And I dont want to abstain myself on Him by just making and doing things I want to do.
I like to do. Doing things in my way.

I want it to be His way.


So stop making yourself worst.
Live life with Him.
Dont worry on those things.
It will flow and go with your life in God's time.
So just live with it.
Be satisfied with this.

Story

I cant find the words I want to say while sitting and writing here in front of this monitor.

Stories.
Stories, whether it is short or long, novel, fiction, I am really carried away the moment I read it.

Everyone has their own story. Life is a story.