end of the year

christmas had just passed by and i didnt even feel the happiness it brings.. however, the success of the presentation we have just prepared seems to be the gift i just received this christmas.. it happened in the same week of our prelims and because of that preparation, i wasnt able to review all my notes in my subjects, i just browsed in in 30 minutes and that's it, i entered the school having a little knowledge on the exam.. then it resulted to a low grade.. ofcourse!.. but, even i received a first-time-low-score., i was so happy because the one we did a lot of hardworks resulted to a high grade.,

anyway.. this time.. im just waiting for the year to be ended. and im so excited to the new year that will come.. What then would be my new year's resolution?... as of now, i can still remember what was my new year's resoultion before.. hmmmn.. and i could say, it didnt work.. although i did it for a half year.. still it didnt work.. i think new year's resolution is not that very important. but that will serve a principle for you..

what will be the very unforgettable moment next year?
will i ever have a boyfriend? or girlfriend?
will i ever develop to a boy or a girl?..
will i wear a clinical uniform and go to a hospital to have my duty?...
what would be my first time experience in a hospital?..

sigh..

i dont know.. still expect the unexpected..

bye!

infatuatiion

waw.. i realized now that im such a big whore!... hahah... all im thinking in my previous blog is just a feeling that seems to be not appropriate for me. its just an infatuation!.. hahaha.. seems like im a high school student thinking of a lover that dont feel the same way.. isa akong "tamang hinala"... as of now, i am so ashame with myself because of that thinking!.. grabeh... can i change this kind of mentality? can i think of things that is not stupid..? HOW??/ CAN SOMEONE HELP ME??.. why am i like this.. im such a stupid man thinking of things that is not meant for me... grabeh.. kkahiya talaga... asar!..

bestfriend??

12.08.078:10pm
aS for now.. i cant imagine myself to be like this. all i
want to talk is you. my blog. now, i was just arrived here
in our house and directly open my pc to be able to write
here and talk to someone.
now, i think im not that good because of too much liquor
that i inserted in my body a while ago.
all i could remember as for now.. is how my heart felt
when someone my friend told me of something that i couldnt
imagine he could told me. in the past.. all i know is im in
love with my friend whom we usually with during our
first sem in 2nd yr.. and note she's a girl.. but for now, i realized, after my
first time joining my friends in magz, i realized that im
about to fell inlove with a gay - my friend. i dont
really know myself anymore!! and i really hate this kind
of feeling. sigh...
for now.. im about in controlling myselfg because of too
much alcohol inside my body. and because of this i really
dont know whats really inside of me. all i know is that im
thinking about my friend whom i used to be with.
i really cant imagine that ill be like this.. sober. i
dont know if he fells also the same way.. but all i am
thinking is that a while ago.. i was hurt!
i dont know why.. maybe because i was hurt because of what
he sAid to me. and i cant control myself to cry! i really
hate that moment!
he is my friend, i know it.. but why am i feeling this
way? why am i feel that i am about to fell inlove with
him.. he's a gay.. and i am a girl.. but i dont know
myself.. maybe i am a lesbian and he is a gay.. and still
be compatible with each other. but i dont know if that was
really meant to be...
a while ago.. i cried because of what he said to me.. i
was just waiting for him.. and he really doesnt appreciate
what is my intention.. i just want him to be safe in
travelling home and i am waiting for him so that i can
assure that he is in the good place.. BUT.... why am i so
cared about him?? I really dont know.. all im after is he
will go home saf and sound.. and i really doesnt meant
that i will do mysterious things for him!!!
whew...
im so curious of what he have said to me a while ago.. and
what he told me.. abou that BESTFRIEND!!!! i really dont
know what he was talking about but i have the feeling that
it is about me and him.. i really dont know exactly but i
really felt that it was me he was saying mentioning
about.. am not sure but i feel it!!! ...
also, o really dont know why did i cry to him a while
ago.. all i know is that i was hurt... i dont know why...
an hour passed by and i saw him kissing with our girl
classmate.. and i dont feel anything.. i was then thinking
that 'ganon lang pla.. pra makiss xa ng ganun ng isnag
girl'... i dont really give ant malice in that! but why am
i reacting like this jow..?? why?? i really dont
know!!!!!!
cguro kailangan.. itulog ko muna ito.. grabeh.. sobra
yata akong natamaan knina... d ko tlaga maimagine na
ganito ang mangyayari...
sa monday.. di ko alam kung ano ang magging reaction ko
pag kaharap ko niya.. di ko tlga alam.. basta.. i am
looking forward na our friendship will stay the same as we
have in the past.. sana walang magbago.. kahit na nagpakita
ako ng ganon sa kaniya.. sana friends pa rin kami.. and
walang ilangang magaganap...
sa ngayon.. sobra yata akong natamaan..whew...
8.33 pm...

things-to-do

for now, i still dont know wat to do first.. i am thinking so many things na nman which sets my bad mood. a while ago, we had our microbiology and thank God that i wasnt able to get a score lower than 3 in the pretest because probably if i was, then i belong to the students who get out to go to the library to read the lesson further. also, fortunately i got a passing grade of 85 in our first quiz. whew. thank God tlaga. but now, i am so confused because earlier we also had our laboratory and wat we did were to draw the structure of the cell, its cycle and list examples of each cell but unfortunately, i wasnt able to finish the last part (the list of examples of each cell) and because of that it made me feel so sad coz of the thought that i might gain a low grade. whew. anyway, i hope doc ces will accept the list tomorrow.

this time, i am doing the assignment in micro the same with the examples that i missed a while ago then after that im going to review my notes on health economics. my prof there is really inspiring even though he is a gay, and i feel that whenever he teach, he thinks that we are not bright just like him and also the students in his alma mater...

whew. i hope i can do this all at the same day.(not for the same time).

I CAN DO THIS!

fears

as of now, nagstart na klase nmin.. and im so thankful na maganda naman ung nabigay s'king schedule.. hehe. and im so thankful dn ksi naging mganda nman un start ng health care2 q dahil sa maaus na result ng mga quizes q. kanina ms.pingoy told us to tell ourselves na "we will pass healthcare2" and for me.. "ill gonna pass this subject! i can do this" not having too much assurance and confidence, but kakayanin ko 'toh.. and same with microbiology.. even i am worst last i took biology, i will study hard for me to be able to pass.. actually, as studying micro, what i did last year in anatomy will be the same as i study microbiology and this thinking is my inspiration while studying this subject. i hope i can do it and i can overcome the fear when taking quizes. this time, we still dont meet with doc. ces, actually i still have the fear on him, thinking that he's so strict, but i hope still, i can overcome those fears. and i believe that God will not let me fail.

Impossible.

Last week, I accidentally watched the movie "Saving Face" in HBO starring Michelle Krusiec. This movie made me think of things that seems to be impossible. For me, I think Im in the state of having identity crisis. I dont want to be lesbian but I have the thought of being such a guy. I dont act natural as girls do. I dont have any passion dealing with boys expect for my brother-im happy to see myself with him--happy and not fighting, caring and loving with each other, like a perfect brothers. I dont trust boys inshort. After I felt hurt by loving someone, I dont want to fall inlove thats why im just focusing on my studies and just make myself think that im not a girl and do have such idea of being a lesbian. This movie made me realize that it is possible that a girl can fall to another girl - full of love, without having any hesitations. As I watched the movie, I was impressed with Michelle Krusiec for her role, being a doctor and a lover to Winona..(I forgot her real name) and Michelle acted like a real lesbian and I admire her so much. That time I was thinking what if I became like that? Honestly I do want. instead of loving guys that will just make you loved then afterwards make you cry and eventually leave you after getting their pleasures from you, I was thinking how come will I carry loving someone same as my gender?-Yes. it is possible, but through friends not through girlfriends sharing same hearts. It is impossible for me to fall in the same gender as mine, I do actually think what if I can, but as far as I think, it is very impossible. First, because I treat my girl friends as only a friend and yes I love them but that's not a basis for me to act such a gay. Next, I think there's no girl who can fall inlove on me like what the lover of Michelle did. It is very impossible.

For now, maybe this crisis is a result of my deprived heart and just only thoughts that are not viable and I should return on what I was. Whew.

This picture made me touch because even they are both girls, I could say that through their deeds, they love each other and made themselves feel so special.

tripping

last 26th day of this month, we had our so-called outing but for me that wasnt an outing, it's just a tripping for me. kasi naman ang konte lang namin.. we invited all for-eys but they didnt come. anyway, i could say that somehow we had a lot of fun. dami din pagkain, busog dn kami sa alak at sobrang kantahan. while we are on the way through the place, i felt very bad coz i think the trip was so long and i was so bored, but when we came to the place, nawala dn naman yung badtrip koh.

the time we came to the place, kumain kami kaagad.. kasi naman ang haba nung byahe, masyado kaming nagutom.. then yun na.. languyan na.. kasabay din ng paglangoy sa alak at kantahan.. i could say that this somehow satisfy my demand for some recreation after the hardworks that was being done last semester and before the next hardworks that will be done for this coming semester. siguro naman tamang buwelo na toh para s'kin kasama ng mahahabang oras ng pagtulog ko ngayong bakasyon para sa darating na sem. for now, i can write many blogs as i can as long as i want, as long as im in the mood, and as long as there's TIME for me. sana i can still do this thing kapag medyo busy na ko sa studys.. kasi this helps me not to think things that seems to be a trash.

anyway, as with the tripping, busog ako sa alak. kahit na wala naman akong masyadong dinadala sa loob ko, i want to drink beer as long as i can. now, i fin'ly know how much is my strength in drinking. nung una, nauubos ko pa ung isang baso.. kaya ko ng sunud-sunod pero the time na natamaan na ko at medyo nasusuka-suka na, i cant force myself to drink one full glass of it in one shot. whew. actually i love that feeling, especially the time that i seemed to be sleeping at the pool.. palutang lutang na lang ako. thanks sa dalang salbabida ni joshua.. yun ang naging parang kama ko. yun time na 'to kasi mju marami na din aking nainom at as i said di ko na kayang uminom baka masuka ko lang dyahe naman.. sabi nga nila kumanta daw si jb ng mga christmas song.. i really dont know that. di ko napansin yun. isa lang ibig sabihin nun, nakatulog nga ako sa pool. haha. ang saya.. tapos pakanta kanta nlang ako hanggang sa di ko na namalayan nag-iiba na pala ung kulay ng ulap.. nag-uumaga na. wow! first time ko yun.. ang saya pala ng feeling..

after that moment, i just said to myself, sana ganito na lang palagi ung ginagawa ko whenever i have some problems and difficulties encountering, para naman somehow i tend to forget it and be relaxed for just a moment.

whew. kelan kaya ulit 'toh mangyayari? i dont know. but i hope it will happen again and i will be much enjoyed and happy together with my loving friends.

after a while

last night, im such a big bratt on my own self. im usually like that. seems so weird but its true. sometimes or should i say almost all of the time i used to talk to myself when something is bothering on my mind or when i dont have any companion to talk to.
whew. but for now.. ill just let my thoughts be expressed here..

2nd year 1st sem is over.. and for me, it seems so fast cause 4 months had left and i could say i learned a lot.. such skills that i eventually do after awhile. when i entered the school last june, i have a bug and he used to fulfill my vigor but eventually i didnt carry it out and soon we separated. actually i dont have any reason why i enter in that kind of connection, im not affected to him and sorry to say, i dont care, maybe im plastic but i try to be affected but the magic didnt come out - ill not further describe what i felt beacuse he might be reading this.for now, i feel that i dont have any passion to deal with guys but i used to fantasize them. hahaha.. bsta the feeling that i dont want to fall cause i am scared and somewhat afraid to face the truth when their is having some affection then..

well anyway.. as the 1st sem is over, i felt that this is the start of my life longing suffering.. swabe nman! hehehe. but ill try my best to carry it out until i graduate. hmmmn.. imagine we always have quiz with our prof in our major class and the book is so thick that i can hardly read.. whenever i force myself or schedule myself to read the book i tend to be so sleepy.. but thank God that i survived and i did much effort in order to passed that major..

before, the time i got my schedule for the 1st sem, i thought it was very easy to get a grade not lower than 2 or 2.25 but when im in the fight i proved it was wrong. i cant balance the time.. i always say i am used to my schedule last 1st year or i am used to my circadian rhythm last year that's why for now i can hardly change it nor break it. but i promised to myself that in this coming 2nd sem, ill do what should be done. and ill not ever compare my schedules..

for now, i just got my grades and thank God i passed, un nga lang i received a grade that is lower than 2. hayzz. i promised myself that i shouldnt get a grade like that because i am looking forward to my future recognitions, but unfortunately i didnt made it. but it was all ok then for me.. i hope i will not ever receive such grade anymore in the next semesters.

also, i already got my schedule for this semester and unfortunately again, i have a saturday class.. 6 days a week in school and only 1 day for rest. as always, i have to accept it because i cant change what is meant for me. also, some of my classmates say that "we" are left behind coz almost all of my classmates last semester were shifted to another section (sec2) and we are in section1 together with some section2s before.. but again, i have to accept it coz i cant do anything to change the decision of whoever fixed our section who i knew was Ms. Pingoy.

anyway, i just hope that after this semester i will be happy to receive my grades and somehow accomplised tasks that are very risky and kinda difficult, especially the thought of the very uneasy microbiology which will be taught by doc ces.. hmmm.. ill gonna meet new friends and i hope ill gonna study seriously this coming semester.. so anybody should never disturb me coz i do not want it and i dont want to be bothered by something that is not worthy.

so help me God to balance my time and to accomplish task on time and to allot time for my readings and studying..