Perfectionism

Has anyone of you encountered the word perfect, perfection, perfectionism and perfectionist?
From the word itself perfect means having all the qualities, excellences, or elements that are requisite to its nature or kind; without defect or lack; consummated; supremely excellent; complete. Perfection is the state or condition of being perfect; supreme excellence. Perfectionism is the theory that moral perfection may be attained, or has been attained, by men; variously held and taught by different sects and schools. Perfectionist is the one who demands an exceedingly high degree of excellence in the performance, behavior, etc., of himself or in that of others, he is the one who adheres to the theory of perfectionism.

From these words, thoughts, ideas and callouts are entering my head - keeping me disturbed and feel anxious above all my used defense mechanisms.

There's no such thing as perfect. There's no such perfect person who can be excellent above all the circumstances. There's no such thing as perfect student nor perfect classmate and perfect friend. There's no perfect daughter as the parents could think of, nor perfect sister as the brothers could viewed of. And there's no perfect person as the perfectionist could insist of.

From all of these stuff, all of these days I lived, I usually hear the phrase "Nobody is perfect". Yes indeed, nobody's perfect. But there's some persons who used to attain perfect scores, perfect grades, perfect life, perfect family, and perfect himself/herself. And this just proves that some person are used to be perfectionist.

And so where would I belong myself?.. Am i a perfectionist person?, pretending to be perfect at all times? or sick and tired of being perfectionist?..

Perfectionism creates a lot of pressure. It makes you feel frustrated, angry, inferior and envious. But when you attained it, it makes you feel happy, fulfilled and strong, with a high level of self-esteem.


Within my life, I used to be perfectionist one - esepecially on school, family and friends. But I could say that Im tired of thinking things to be almost perfect or should I say a life that seems to be no problem, no difficulty, no worries and no pain at all - a life that is perfect.

Im tired. Why is then so?, Tired maybe because of hoping things to be smoothly going...

When I was young, I used to be a passive child. And now, I could feel that Im searching for something.. searching for some perfect things to happen.

I want my mind to speak. And as of now, it keeps on asking why?, confused of things that is concerned about being perfect, attaining an environment perfect to life.. In school, I keep on hoping that everything will be perfect.. all the things will go and flow with what I think of.. with what I expect. And sometimes because my expectations didnt work, my mind turned into frustrations, envy and disappointments. Because of this disappointments, frustrations and envious feeling, I engaged to things that makes me imperfect. Imperfect in a sense that I could feel the worth and essence of my existence. This is in sense that I wanted to be like others that can do what they used and want to do.. like smoking, drinking alcohol and even abusing substances. When I was young, a child who is unaware of how things are flowing, I hate those kind of activities. But now, Im starting to engage on one of those and maybe if still be tolerated it will become worse and come to the point where in I couldnt even know myself already.

Why am I searching for imperfectionism?.. Maybe because Im sick and tired of searching for perfectionism, tired of hoping that things will exist according to what I want and what I expect that results to frustrations and disappointments. In order for me not to feel those.. I engaged myself to things that makes me imperfect.. and as of now, I could see the help it brings to me....

I know it is not advisable to do all those stuff but it is not as easy as it could be dealing with stress, frustrations and disappointments. I cant find any thing that makes me feel secured and comfortable for a while. Dealing with this helps me to even feel that I should live my life with full strength and go on the flow..

As of now, the boat is sinking and I think I let my self be drown.... Im so helpless.