being what?...
being what??...
within this days.. i was in the state of again-being confused and something like i want something.. yesterday.. we had just a devotion, volunteered-devotion together with my groupmates.. it just said that..
"We should wait until God gave us what those we want.. Keep the faith and He will give that to us on the right time.."
Yes.. That's what im into.. why do i keep on searching?, keep on minding things that soon will be made if God approves.. Why am i too excited and anxious on the things that maybe not for my time yet. when I see other people together with their loved ones.. i have the feeling of When can I have that ones too?.. When can i feel the true emotions and true love, true care and true TRUST.. ?? When..? When this comes on my mind.. I just let it flow until I have get rid of it through my sleep.. But again, it keeps on distructing me. Hmmn.. Yes.. I do want to wait.. Wait until God has given me the opportunity.. I know.. this is one of the plan of God.. and I truly accept and respect that.. I think He knows all the consequences if I myself will be the one who will decide and make choices on my life.. without His consent or any, I know He knows what will happen to me if He will not guide me and control me on doing things like letting myself in deep emotions until i forgot all what's reality... Thats it.. I know that.. Hmmnn.. Why am I like this now?.. maybe because of the ENVIRONMENT.. again.. because of the things happening around me.. it just happened that i am too anxious and uncomfortable of the ideas that is for me unworthy to think of.. I dont know!.. Im too insane... Maybe because of too much admiration to Mr. N.. ahahaha! and i see him to my former classmate.. , with that.. i am too anxious.. hmmn.. whats on my mind then?.. Hmmn. basta.. its all about jeff.. what he's up to and what do i need to do on false thinkings about him.. mga "Tamang Hinala".. hmmn.. anyway.. I'll just wait.. as said above.. and i think im too busy to have those mentality on comitment.. hmmn.. ill just ride what God wants me to be.. Go on the flow and ride as if I'm with God....
Thanks to Him..
--stop it!!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Thursday, July 3, 2008
expectations..
wait.. i think i must take a break first.. actually, ngayon lang ako ulit nagkaron ng tym to ryt here in my blog and unfortunately.. as always its because of something that i need to express and something i cant figure out all by myself.
it's been a week or probably 5 days ago since i celebrated my debut and i think im not yet able to get over with it. that time.. i dont know if im happy or not but im sure to myself that somehow it gave so much happiness on me.. those memories that i will cherish all through out my life.. expectations are not meant just to see yourself being there.. it's just a thinking what might happen.. expect the unexpected.. that's what they say..
and so.. what's happening with me ryt now?.. if im happy then why am i not getting over with it..? i hope i could be.. i cant focus yet.. i cant study seriously and i cant do all the things i must do.. what's happening with me??.. a while ago.. i just took the personality disoerder test here in the internet and this are the results;
Disorder RatingParanoid: Very HighSchizoid: ModerateSchizotypal: ModerateAntisocial: HighBorderline: LowHistrionic: HighNarcissistic: Very HighAvoidant: HighDependent: ModerateObsessive-Compulsive: Low
It's shows that I'm very paranoid and narcissistic..
Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant. They usually shift blame to other people and tend to carry long grudges.
Symptoms of Paranoid Personality Disorder:
Unwillingness to forgive perceived insults
Excessive sensitivity to setbacks
Distrustfulness and excessive self-reliance
Projection of blame onto others
Consumed by anticipation of betrayal
Combative and tenacious adherence to personal rights
Relentlessly suspicious
Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recongize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. Narcissists tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them.
Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
Requires excessive praise and admiration
Takes advantage of others
Grandiose sense of self-importance
Lack of empathy
Lying, to self and others
Obsessed with fantasies of fame, power, or beauty
and so that;s the result...
whats the cause of this then..??
hmmn.. i think it is all because of what just happen last saturday on my debut..
although im very satisfied with the outcome.. still there are regrets that comes to my mind.. and there were things that i supposed didnt do..
first.. i was very dissapointed to my college classmates because they didnt even give notice that they will not attend on my party.., not only my college friends but also to my highschool and some other friends i know.. i even bother to put their names in my invitation card and yet they didnt even i come.. i should have list those who are very promising to come.. and that's my fault then... honestly im very dissapointed and hurt that time.. also.. because of what i just did.. i keep on reminding them that im inviting them to come and when they told me they wouldnt be coming, i insisted that they should come.. to think na kinukulit ko pa sila para lang pumunta sila sa party ko.. kkainis.. why did i do that?? hmmnn.. that's what im really bothered of.. what kind of friends they are..?/ after i gave trust to them.. thay just let me fall and turn their back in front of me.. i dont like that.. itskk.. maybe it was also my fault because i expect that all of them will come and see me transformed because of turning from boyish to a little lady dressed in gown.. tskk..
i want to get over with those things kaya naman i wrote here.. i didnt tell this to anybody.. and i think my fruiends and also my mom are really confused on what am i in righty now.. kahapon.. i misplaced the P600 peso boundary and i felt bad on myslef then.. my mom was thinking something on me and thinks that im not in myslef anymore.. then a while ago, my friend asked me if i have any problem?? i said i havent.. but to be honest i think i have but i dont want to tell them.. i want it to be resolve all by myself.. i know this will pass and i know ill overcome all these thoughts.
but anyway.. to be honest im happy that day and i hope God will not be mad at me because of some things im not satisfied with.. i hope ill get over with this and so pls help me God.....
it's been a week or probably 5 days ago since i celebrated my debut and i think im not yet able to get over with it. that time.. i dont know if im happy or not but im sure to myself that somehow it gave so much happiness on me.. those memories that i will cherish all through out my life.. expectations are not meant just to see yourself being there.. it's just a thinking what might happen.. expect the unexpected.. that's what they say..
and so.. what's happening with me ryt now?.. if im happy then why am i not getting over with it..? i hope i could be.. i cant focus yet.. i cant study seriously and i cant do all the things i must do.. what's happening with me??.. a while ago.. i just took the personality disoerder test here in the internet and this are the results;
Disorder RatingParanoid: Very HighSchizoid: ModerateSchizotypal: ModerateAntisocial: HighBorderline: LowHistrionic: HighNarcissistic: Very HighAvoidant: HighDependent: ModerateObsessive-Compulsive: Low
It's shows that I'm very paranoid and narcissistic..
Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant. They usually shift blame to other people and tend to carry long grudges.
Symptoms of Paranoid Personality Disorder:
Unwillingness to forgive perceived insults
Excessive sensitivity to setbacks
Distrustfulness and excessive self-reliance
Projection of blame onto others
Consumed by anticipation of betrayal
Combative and tenacious adherence to personal rights
Relentlessly suspicious
Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recongize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. Narcissists tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them.
Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
Requires excessive praise and admiration
Takes advantage of others
Grandiose sense of self-importance
Lack of empathy
Lying, to self and others
Obsessed with fantasies of fame, power, or beauty
and so that;s the result...
whats the cause of this then..??
hmmn.. i think it is all because of what just happen last saturday on my debut..
although im very satisfied with the outcome.. still there are regrets that comes to my mind.. and there were things that i supposed didnt do..
first.. i was very dissapointed to my college classmates because they didnt even give notice that they will not attend on my party.., not only my college friends but also to my highschool and some other friends i know.. i even bother to put their names in my invitation card and yet they didnt even i come.. i should have list those who are very promising to come.. and that's my fault then... honestly im very dissapointed and hurt that time.. also.. because of what i just did.. i keep on reminding them that im inviting them to come and when they told me they wouldnt be coming, i insisted that they should come.. to think na kinukulit ko pa sila para lang pumunta sila sa party ko.. kkainis.. why did i do that?? hmmnn.. that's what im really bothered of.. what kind of friends they are..?/ after i gave trust to them.. thay just let me fall and turn their back in front of me.. i dont like that.. itskk.. maybe it was also my fault because i expect that all of them will come and see me transformed because of turning from boyish to a little lady dressed in gown.. tskk..
i want to get over with those things kaya naman i wrote here.. i didnt tell this to anybody.. and i think my fruiends and also my mom are really confused on what am i in righty now.. kahapon.. i misplaced the P600 peso boundary and i felt bad on myslef then.. my mom was thinking something on me and thinks that im not in myslef anymore.. then a while ago, my friend asked me if i have any problem?? i said i havent.. but to be honest i think i have but i dont want to tell them.. i want it to be resolve all by myself.. i know this will pass and i know ill overcome all these thoughts.
but anyway.. to be honest im happy that day and i hope God will not be mad at me because of some things im not satisfied with.. i hope ill get over with this and so pls help me God.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)