out-of-my-mind

wow. as of now, i finished reading all the thoughts that i wrote here last year and i cant imagine that somehow i can express my thoughts through writings!.. i like it.. very much!..
well.. as i've said.., we're already in the road of 2008, and i am so confused on what will happen for this year...

kakastart lang ng klase namin last thursday, and i feel so tired pa rin coz i wasnt able to take a long sleep during the christmas vacation because im in the market helping my mother selling fruits, and we were blessed because naging maayos naman ung pagtitinda namin and unexpectedly, naubos lahat ng fruits namin during the last hours of 31st of December... i was thinking then why do people in the Philippines have a tradition of collecting circle fruits when the new year comes.. anyway.. that's the first time my mom encountered having empty store for the last hours of the year.

01.06.08 2pm
and by now, sobrang nabubulabog ang isip ko.. i dont know why.. i want to release this kind of feeling.. this kind of mentality. grabeh.. feeling ko sasabog na ung utak ko dahil sa halo-halong ideas na nakikipagunahan para mabasa ng utak ko.. mababaliw na yata ako, or should i say.. malala na ang kalagayan ko.. hmmn.. as of now i cant identify all ideas inside my mind, but ill try.. first, i am thinking of he yesterday's topic of our group in Logic.. we will have a debate on finals and the group choose to discuss "is same sex marriage should be legalized in the Philippines", i thought i had the group where in the members are quite not good, and still i cant prove if my perception is right because i do not know and see them doing the debate. anyway, in this topic i belong to the affirmative side.. and what really bothered me was my co-affirmative members. they are all bisexual.. why did i choose to be on their side while im not sure in my identity. yes, i know im a girl but i cant understand myself. during this hour together with these bisexual classmates, i thought im also a bi., but i cant really said that i am.. i want to but i cant at this time. maybe time will come that i can prove that im a certified bi.. then also, what bothered me was the thought of why am i so happy whenever i speak to my exbf-lucky., i think im really a girl whenever i speak to him, but when i stand in the room where there are my college friends i think im not the "NICA" my highschool friends knew. am i a being having many personality..?, i dont know. that's why these ideas make me so confused. so much - where in my head turns to gray and empty coz of too much thinking., also, early this morning when i about to wake up, i thought of things that will make me certified bi.. and i remember that my classmate said to me that he will look for a girl for me. shocks!, during the time he said that to me, it was ok then.. but i realized that it is really hard to have an on-the-spot relationship.. i mean.. you tend to know this person because you yourself know that this is because this person will be my partner(gf/bf).. and its really hard because ive already felt whats the feeling. so a while ago, my mind turns to april - my classmate, or should i say the girl i wanted because, when im with her i can tell all my feelings and be as sabog as i can or be makulit all in all and she makes the same way.. inshort im very comfortable with her. so because of that i think i like her to be my gf., BUT.... i think i cant!.. i dont know how to court a girl and i am afraid to what will be her feeling if i tend to do so.. natawa nga ako sa sarili ko kanina kasi napabangon ako dahil sa naisip ko na gumawa ng letter para ligawan siya pero naudlot din yun kasi nagbago yung isip.. ewan ko kung matutuloy pang sulatan ko siya.. or sabihin nlang sa kaniya ng personal.. ewan ko na lang.. basta im so afraid on what will be her reaction and also natatakot ako na mareject niya ako at dahil sa ginawa ko masisira yung friendship namin.. i dont want that to happen, kaya sobrang pinagiisipan ko kung tama ba tong gagawin ko.. kaya siguro sumasakit tong ulo ko..
next is nakausap ko si lucky kagabi and di ko maipagkakaila na masaya ako pag nakakausap ko siya.. it doesnt mean anything but im just happy lang talaga.. that's all.. no one can make me happy sa text even my high school friends, my other ex.. they cant.. but except on lucky.. siya lang talaga.. i dont mean anything basta sinasabi ko lang talaga na iba yung feeling kapag siya yung katext and kausap ko sa phone.. aun... tapos lam mo ba inadd ko yung gf niya sa friendster gamit yung account ni anje.. pero di niya inaaccept.. bkit kaya?.. i have the feeling na si lucky yung nag ddeny dun.. nakakaasar.. bakit nila nirereject,.. nakakaasar tuloy.. gusto ko na lang tuloy malaman kung ano password ng dalawang yun para di nila ako napapansin.. pero.. palagay ko ako rin yung my problema kasi bkit ko pa ba sila pinapakelaman?.. hmmn.. di ko naman sila pinapakealaman, gusto ko lang naman malaman yung laman nung profile nung gf nia.. yun lang.. walang ibig sabihin un para sakin.. (pero pakkialam pa din yung gnagawa mo).. ok, cge pakkialam na kung pakikialam.. basta walang ibig sabihn yun para sakin.. yun lang un!.. (ah ganon?).. uu. ganun na nga..
anyway.. hehe. the ( ) marks are the voices i heard deep in myself.. hehe.. do i still have the feelings for him?.. i think i dont have na... -- yan, that is next to the ideas that bothers me.. i know in myself na wala na akong feelings sa kanya.. na friends na lang talaga kani and i dont expect anything from him.. besides i dont want him to be with me again kasi i dont want my life to be miserable again... (eh pero bakit nakikipag-usap ka pa din sa kaniya and di lang yon.. pumapayag ka pa sa mga gusto niya and worst is sumasama ka pa sa kaniya kapag inalok ka niya na makipagkita.. pinuprove mu lang na easy to get ka pagdating sa kaniya.. napakacheap mo!) ouch!.. bkit nga bah?.. di ko din alam eh.. basta ang masasabi ko lang gusto ko din naman kasi kaya pumapapayag ako.. (and so, bakit mu gusto?)... hmmn. ewan koh., cguro dahil sa nasasabik pa rin ako sa pagmamahal ng isang jowa.. or should i say sa kaniya.. (hmm. myakz. ganon? bkit di ka na lang maghntay and ireject and mga gsto nia).. nirereject ko naman kaya lang pabago bago yung isip ko, un nga ung nakakaasar eh.. tsk., i have my boundaries and i must set limits from him.. i should follow kung ano man yung napagkasunduan namin ng sarili ko about sa kaniya and sa mga bagay na di maganda para sa kin.. kaya should go back again to what should i be.. i must CONTROL myself so that nothing bad will happen.. and also.. im going back to where i should be.. in school and in the room studying our lessons.... whew..
so now i think i have the motivation to study.. kanina kasi badtrip ayaw ng utak ko and siguro ayaw ko din.. ill be going to church kaya i should sign out.. kanina i told ange that ill be going to their house after i went to church and said to myself na kkwentuhan ko siya pra nman mabawasan yung mga nasa isip ko.. pero di ko alam kung makukuwentuhan ko pa siya kasi ayaw ko nang alalahanin or balikan pa yung mga naisip ko at mga naisulat ko dito.. di ko din alam.. tingnan na lang natin...
bye,...
3pm