My Heart

My heart

When I open my eyes, I found my heart
When I close it, I can't feel the pounding, the beating, the feeling of this heart longing for something
Am I really longing for this?
Or I just make myself worst by longing for something futile?

I am not actually deprived with love
Honestly, I have a lot of those.
From my parents, friends, and ofcourse from God.

So why am I longing for some additional?
If I will then turn worn out at the end
Why am I searching for additional mind- and heart-bugging activity
If I know that it will destroy me and distract me from being so silent.

Do I need to allow myself on this?
I should not.
But my eyes keeps on opening.
Keeps on peeking.
Until I found the real cause of that cheating.

I want to keep my eyes close.
Keep the feeling in vain.
Keep my hopes certain to God.
Keeps my dreams blank.
Keep my mind to rule over my heart!

If the Heavenly Father will allow..

Waiting at rest.

Nonsense.

Why are you here?
Are you waiting for something?
Waiting for someone?
What are you for?
and Why are you here?


Those questions flushed on my mind as I was doing and sitting here infront of the computer.
Why am I here then? I know myself that Im not into something. Just wanna spend the remaining time doing nothing infront of this thing. Sigh.
Are you looking for something? Are you waiting for something? or Are you waiting for someone?
Such a stupid question.
Such a stupid act.
Such a stupid person. Am I?

What's the truth then?
Im not into something. But Im just into satisfying myself.
How? how do I satisfy myself with this?
With this that Im doing nothing but thinking of a stupid act. Stupid mindset.

I hate boring days. I hate doing nothing.
And I hate the thoughts inside me while Im at rest - Full of rest.

but why?

Maybe due to the waiting attitude.
Waiting. I hate it.



Before the year started, I agreed that I'll stop doing things that would make me worst.
Yes. Im doing that. Only when I'm busy.
But when Im not, I cant see myself doing that.

After the restless days. I think ofcourse of rest. And I love that.
I love seeing myself at rest after the days of hardworks.
But too much rest seemed to be a poison on me.
Being intoxicated with "rest"
That's why Im ending up hating it.

How insane it is.
I know.

Too much rest caught me waiting.
Waiting for something -
For being loved, for being inlove, for being in the line, for being inspired.
Until I found myself losing.
So why I hate it.

I dont want to wait.
I dont want to keep myself intoxicated with rest.
I dont want myself restless though.

Waiting keeps me hoping for something so unpredictable.
Something futile. Something worthless.
Something unmanageable.


I just want to be guided with God's grace.
With God's love.
With God's purpose.
With my purpose.
With what He planned to me.

And I dont want to abstain myself on Him by just making and doing things I want to do.
I like to do. Doing things in my way.

I want it to be His way.


So stop making yourself worst.
Live life with Him.
Dont worry on those things.
It will flow and go with your life in God's time.
So just live with it.
Be satisfied with this.

Story

I cant find the words I want to say while sitting and writing here in front of this monitor.

Stories.
Stories, whether it is short or long, novel, fiction, I am really carried away the moment I read it.

Everyone has their own story. Life is a story.