Nowhere..

I am now a bit of nowhere..

Do I need to concentrate myself on this?.. Put all of my emotions here?

Or do I need to keep it on myself until it'll fade..?

How could I move on if I'm still in the midst of confusion and anxiety..

I am worried..

Worried for what I have done.
I am worried for what should have done.
I am worried for what would be the outcome of what I have done.

I am pretty much confused on myself.

My mind thinks of this and that.. these and those..

I am oblivious.

I am afraid.

I am self-centered.

I do things just for the sake of being recognized.
I do things just for nothing.
I do things that would probably offend other's feelings.

I hate myself.

I am such a brainless, stupid student who just wants to make things go and flow on her way, on what she expects.

I am still an incompetent student.

I asks incomprehensively.
I comment nonsense.

I am lost..
Always making myself lost.

Isnt its my responsibility on my moves?
Am I not allowed to tell what's in my mind and what is bugging on it?
Am I not allowed to say something?.. Even it is worthless or even it is for the sake of me understanding what's really going on and what's really my opinion?

Even I cannot verbalize really what's in my mind?
Even I am trying to let others understand my point?

Am I not allowed to do so?

If not. why?..
For the sake of others? For the sake of grades? For the sake of not being so intoxicated? For PEACE?
How about the Peace in my mind?.. how about me understanding the right way?
How about it?

Is it just for the reason that we would not be taking it hard? For it to be easy on us?



What did I do?

Did I do the right thing?
Or did I ask something that makes the situation worst?
Did my actions complicated so many things?


What did I do?.....



I know I am responsible for my actions.
But I am still an incompetent student nurse.
I am still brainless.

Maybe I got good grades, but that's just because I am studying.
Studying in the sense that afterwards the learnings fade away.

I hate it.
I hate myself?

How will I be like those I idolized?

How?

Do I always need to support my emotions?
Or do I need to ignore it.
Just ignore it until it'll fade?

Do I need to keep myself shut? My ideas enclosed with my confused mind?


I am such a pessimist.

I hate myself.
I want to cut myself.
I dont want to feel anything.
I want to be immune with this feeling.

Feeling of confused, worried and oblivious.

I want to understand al the thoughts needed to be understood.
I want challenges.
I want to challenge myself.

And if I can. Then I would say I could, I passed the challenge. And my actions were right.
Then if I cant, then I still need to improve myself and try harder for the next time.

I hate myself.

What did I do?





Instead of this, should I distract and divert myself on something..

Should I?


The I hope I could..






I need to be strong.
Treat this worriedness, anxiousness as nothing.

Treat it as if nothing happened.
Treat it in nothingly.



If they will give me low grades due to my performance, then its ok. I know its my fault. But it's my responsibility to make things in a right way. And if still I didnt do it right then there's something confusion in my mind and needed to be clarified. And still grades are nothing. If I make it right then I have a good and high grade. If I make it bad, then my grades will still be bad. Then that's ok. I know it's my fault. And I need to improve.

Never ever regret for something. If you have done this, never regret.
If you got low grades because of being so lux then never regret.
But if you still got low grades even you did all your best, then that's very depressive.
What will I do to cope?
Still if that happened, you know yourself, you know you dont actually knew all. And you still need to know all the necessary information important for that case. Then still, never regret even that happened.

Just always do your best and remain on-focused.
Trust God and do your best and everything will be fine.

It may not align to your expectations but just think that what had happened is better than what you had expect.



Trust God as well as your self!!


Grade is nothing for me. But I am grade-conscious.
I want high grades.

But if being so grade-conscious makes me so depressive then I should change my attitude on having good grades.



If I have good grades but still I dont know anything, or the information faded as you talk.. in just a tick of a clock, then what's the essence of the good grades?

What's frustrating is that you knew the fact before and while studying it you got high grades, but then when you're recalling it afterwards you cannot remember any.. the terms, the value, the facts.. etc.. How come? Is there a problem in my mind? Or do I need to always recall what I have learned everyday?

What's the intervention then?.. Hmmn. Well I'll think of it later.. on christmas vacation maybe. I need to help myself.





If I learned a lot then I could probably say I will have a good grade, then If I failed then maybe I need to work harder and study harder.. That's all.



I am grade-conscious but I want to treat my grades as nothing!.... I want learnings to be absorbed and not the grades.