confusions..

Ayan na naman..

Nalilito na naman ako..

I get easily confused. Confused of everything. Confused always. I s this one of the manifestations of my unknown or should I say maybe-known personality or psychiatric disorder?

Do I really have that Bipolar Disorder?

The symptoms are present in me.. especially the racing thoughts, delusions- grandeuor delusions, difficulty in concentration and focusing, easily distacted aetc. As of now, I cant still say that I really have that one but Im pressuming that I have some kinda unhealthy mentality.

Going back to my confused thoughts. I want to get rid of it as of now, that's why im here writing in this page.

confused.. first of all in my real identity.
Its been somewhat confusing and very distracting that Im again and again going back to my issue with regards to my real identity. to be really honest, i know that Im a girl, a true feminine-soft-hearted girl who loves boys and attracted to no other than but boys. But still here I am losing my mind figuring out my real identity, knowing my true self and knowing what should I do. For now, as i know myself, yes I like boys but something is making me be aloof with them. To protect my self-image and my ego, I used to use several defense mechanisms. Almost all the defense mechanisms in order for me to maintain my integrity and protect my image from this-pleasure-seeking-id. And so I think with regards to being boyish and having some different identity, maybe it is just a form of defense mechanism in order for me not to entertain boys and be distracted with them, and for me to control myself and not let myself fall for them. And I could say that it was been effective. But as of now, it seems that it is kinda being different, a more complicated situation. Because of this boyish type, I let myself be attracted with girls, taking into consideration that I know I still like boys. I let myself be attracted with them, among those are ep, em, and now Im letting myself fall to er. Is this right?.. With this thought, I think Im just making my identity confusion worse because Im dealing and entertaining persons same with my gender.

What will I do then?

I dont want to be confused.
I dont want to deal with it and make it worse.

I just want to do things right. Free and happy.

Will I be free and happy if I deal with the persons same with my gender?

What?.. I dont know as of now, but still let's see if some spark will appear and make me fall for someone not against my will.

Let's see. Just be happy and enjoy the free life.



With this confusion.. is it one of the symptoms of my known-psyciatric/personality-disorder? Or is it just a way of fooling my mind..?

What?

With this manic and depressive events, unstable emotions, mood swings and mixed states, when will I be stable?.. How could I prevent my self from the stressors that triggers my mood swings, my disorder? how?.. I should control myself. Control. Control. Control. I need it!

So pls help me po God...

Thanks. ;I