June.11.2009
This summer is kind a productive yet my body as well as my mind seems to be uncooperative.
First and foremost, I feel so grateful because I was able to attain a satisfactory grade for the year 2007-2008, my third year in CON. I was one of the Dean's Lister who was been recognized in the 1st Alumni, Recognition and Testimonial Dinner in the College. Eventhough Im not a scholar in the University, atleast Im one of the list. Though a part of me feels that Im not deserving, still my mind continues to uplift me and say that 'yes, my sweats worth it.' Its the attitude that most counts, right? I was able to overcome all my fears in my 3rd year in Lyceum - my fears towards my two 16-unit-major subject, my fear towards my strict yet so kind and considerate professors and my fear towards my own self: my attiude - laziness, helplessness sometimes, hopelessness, and my need of the motivation thing. Im so thankful because I was able to overcome all of those. I remember, the last time we had our post-conference in SM Lazo Medical Center, Mr. Gonzales reiterated that all of us were being taught of the knowledge we need, all of us were doing the same skills, but still there's always a person who usually stands out among others because of his/her attitude. Yes, all of us were being taught of the knowledge, the skills we needed, but still the attitude is the most important because if you dont have it, I think your work is so worthless. This concept is always reiterated to us. And I believe to it. By my last year in this college, Im looking forward to myself being with this attitude and seriousness in my studies. I still want to attain my goal to be one of the dean's lister and ofcourse to pass all my exams and eventually pass my board. I know everybody supports one another and Im sticking to God's will for me.
Going back, I ended my 1st and 2nd semester in 3rd year happy and content with my performance and my grades. But I will never forget the performance I did on my summer class. I was so lazy that time and some of my classmates thought of me being so 'pariwara', which I agreed with, especially to my Rizal course. Maybe because that subject seems to be so boring for me and I dont know the essence of studying the course. But there's no feeling of resentment ofcourse. Its my action, so Im responsible to it - that is one of my principles. I want to be as carefree as possible, mostly to the subjects that for me are not worthy for my seriousness. But my carefreeness seems to be so extreme that my major subject was been affected. I got many MPLs. I want to be mad at myself because I was been so careless in a wrong way. Maybe because of the hot weather which made me so lazy, the summer environment which made the other students to rest and us to go to duty and study, the new group which i can hardly deal with - the new groupmates whom I can hardly adopt with or maybe Im not open to them which made me not to integrate myself, some sort of a feeling of emptiness, motivation or something, mood-swings, personality problem and blah, blah, blah. These were the factors which I could say affects my attitude towards my 4-unit Related Learning Experience this summer. And when I got my grades, seems to be satisfactory but there's a feeling of some resentment. I know I can do better than that. But for me to feel good, I need to accept my fault, so I must face the consequences of my actions, better not to regret.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
The List
Oftentimes the rain is dropping too fast
From above, to the roofs unto the ground.
You want to grasp the rain,
But it keeps spilling.
Though nothing has left
And the rain fades silently,
Your hope depends to the tiny drops
To fall in the window and tops of your home.
Gained as you wish from these droplets you had
Dreaming of a bright sunshine is seemingly broad,
That the visions became so blurred
By the darkness of the star.
You, as dark conscious being
Believed the star will shine as the sun
Even filled with bucket-full of rain drops
Will parch after seizing through the list..
From above, to the roofs unto the ground.
You want to grasp the rain,
But it keeps spilling.
Though nothing has left
And the rain fades silently,
Your hope depends to the tiny drops
To fall in the window and tops of your home.
Gained as you wish from these droplets you had
Dreaming of a bright sunshine is seemingly broad,
That the visions became so blurred
By the darkness of the star.
You, as dark conscious being
Believed the star will shine as the sun
Even filled with bucket-full of rain drops
Will parch after seizing through the list..
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Who really am I?...
Who Am I
Casting Crowns
Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.
Bridge:
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.
Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.
Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
I am yours..
I am yours..
Casting Crowns
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.
Bridge:
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.
Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.
Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
I am yours..
I am yours..
I THINK GOD CAN EXPLAIN
By: Splender
By: Splender
There's a lot of things I understand
And there's a lot of things that
I don't want to know
But you're the only face I recognize
It's so damn sweet of you
to look me in the eyes
Chorus:
It's alright, I'm O.K.
I think God can explain
I believe I'm the same
I get caried away
It's alright, I'm O.K.
I think God can explain
I'm relieved I'm relaxed
I'll get over it yet
The sent of vasoline
in the summertime
The feel of an icecube
Melting overtime
The world seems bigger
Than both of us
Yet it seems so small
when I begin to cry
Repeat Chorus
I'm so much better than you guessed
I'm so much bigger than you guessed
I'm so much brighter than you guessed
Repeat Chorus
I think God can explain
I think God can explain
I think God can explain
Monday, March 30, 2009
Buhol
Nakakabuang kapag hindi nasasabi ang gustong sabihin. Nakakabaliw. Lumilipad lipad lang sa utak. Ang hirap pang hulihin... Para kang naghuhuli ng isang bagay na hindi mo alam kung ano.. Isang bagay na gusto mo lang hulihin para makawala.. Makawala sa tinatago ng iyong sarili at sa mga bagay na bumubulong at bumubulabog sa iyo.
Minsan nagaganap ang giyera. May isang sulok sa iyong katawan na nakikipaglaban para sa isang hangaring makawala at makaligtas. May isang sulok din naman na humihila sa iyo at nakikipaglaban din sa paraang hindi maayos at walang kasiguraduhan. Saan ka papanig? Saan ka pupunta? Sino ang iyong susundin? Dahil sa buhul-buhol na ideya, mga nakikipag-unahang utak, mga posibilidad na walang patutunguhan at mga ideyang paulit ulit na naiisip, hindi mo alam kung saan ka talaga papanig. Isang araw, napagkasunduan na dito ka kumapit. Ngunit darating din ang araw- malamang isa, dalawang oras lang ang nakalipas, heto na naman ang iyong sarili at nakikipaglaban kung tama ba ang desisyong ginawa o mas tama na pumanig sa kabila. Hanggang sa makita mo na lang ang iyong sarili na ginagawa ang mga bagay na wala na naman sa patutunguhan at walang kasiguraduhan.
Hanggang kailan ba ang labanang ito? Hanggang kailan makikipaglaban ang iyong sarili laban sa iyong sarili? Sariling utak laban sa sariling hangarin? Sariling hangarin laban sa nakatakda. Sariling paraan laban sa nakatakdang paraan. Hanggang kailan?
Dahil sa buhul-buhol na ideya, nagaganap ang mga ganitong pagtatalo. Kung susuriin, dapat lamang sigurong ayusin ang mga ideya -ayusin ang pagkabuhol nito, ituwid, plantsahin kung maari at gawing pulido. Ngunit paano? Paano?
Punung-puno ng katanungang walang kasagutan. Wala o maaring di alam ang kasagutan. Kung alam man, di pala kayang gawin, di pala kayang panindigan. Ngunit dapat tulungan ang sarili. Sa lahat ng pagkakataon, nagtatalo man ang mga ideya sa loob ng utak, dapat tulungan ang sarili. Sa kahit anong paraan.
Sa kahit anong paraan? Utak na naman ang pagaganahin -Ang aalam kung ano ba itong "kahit anong paraang" ito. Madadagdagan na naman ang bubuhol sa utak. Madadagdagan na naman ang mga hinaing, mga pagtatalo. Wala nang katapusan.
Plak. Plak. Plak.
"Tulong! Tulong! Tulong! Ano ba ang dapat gawin? Ano ba? Tulong!"
> "Itulog mo na lang yan"
>> "Iinom mo na lang yan, tara alak tayo! Yosi ka muna."
>>> "Drugs tayo gusto mo?"
>>>> "Magbasa ka na lang ng libro.. Kahit anong libro"
>>>>> "Mag-aral ka na nga lang.."
>>>>>> "Isulat mo nalang yan.."
Pinahihirapan mo lang ang sarili mo!
Tama laban sa mali. Dahil lang sa buhul-buhol na utak, malululong ka na sa alak, sigarilyo, at droga.. Buti ba kung sinunod mong magbasa na lang, mag-aral o di kaya naman ay magsulat. Depende lahat sa iyong utak, sa iyong sarili, sa iyong sarili, kung alin ang susundin mong paraan..
Iyan ba ang dahilan kung bakit ang ilang kabataan ay nalululong sa mga ganitong bagay? Dahil sa buhul-buhol na ideya sa utak?...
Kung iisipin ano ba ang punu't dulo ng pagtatalong ito? Ano ba ang dahilan ng pagkabuhul-buhol ng mga ideya sa utak mo? Ano?
--Siguro dahil hindi mo nagagawang kumawala sa iyong sarili. Kumawala sa mga ideyang bumubulabog sa'yo--Bumagsak ka sa school, naghiwalay ang iyong mga magulang, broken-hearted ka, loner ka, nawalan ka ng kaibigan, namatayan ka ng aso, pusa o minamahal sa buhay, nireject ka, naguguluhan ka sa iyong sarili, nawawala ka, naliligaw ka, di mo alam kung saan ka pupunta, di mo alam ang silbi mo sa buhay, di mo makita kung sino ang dapat panigan, ano ba ang dapat panigan, nakakita ka ng taong pinatay, pumatay ka ng kapwa, nagsamantala ka, nanakit ka ng kapwa at iba pa...
--Siguro kailangan lang na tulungan ang sarili. Ilabas mo, ika nga. Nagtatalo man ang mga sulok sa iyong utak, kailangan pa ding tulungan ang sarili.
Paano?
--Siyempre, unang una sa lahat humingi ka ng tulong kay God. Lahat ng iyan tungkol sa iyo alam ni God, kaya naman huwag magatubiling humingi ng tulong Sa Kanya..
-- Ilabas mo lang.
-- Ipahinga mo lang.
-- Kumain ka.
-- Magpakasaya ka.
Pero higit sa lahat, tawagin mo Siya. Siya ang makakatulong Sa'yo. Hindi ako sobrang relihiyosong tao. Isa rin akong napakamakasalanan. Pero sa panahon ngayon alam ko Siya lang ang makapagtutwid ng pagkabuhol ng iyong utak. Samahan mo na lang ng ibang ingredient, isang ingredient na ibibigay Niya din sa iyo. Parang isang rekado na bubuo sa lasa ng buhay. Bubuo sa tamis, pait, saya, lungkot at silbi ng buhay kasama si God.
Kung ano man ang ingredient na iyon, ipaubaya mo na lang din kay God.. Proven and tested, to attain peace-of-mind.
Nakakabaliw talaga kapag di nasasabi ang mga gustong sabihin. Pero kahit ganon, nalalaman mo kung sa paanong paraan mo matutulungan ang iyong sarili...
Paano nga ba?... Haay.
Each person answers for their own actions, and even then its God who decides.
Minsan nagaganap ang giyera. May isang sulok sa iyong katawan na nakikipaglaban para sa isang hangaring makawala at makaligtas. May isang sulok din naman na humihila sa iyo at nakikipaglaban din sa paraang hindi maayos at walang kasiguraduhan. Saan ka papanig? Saan ka pupunta? Sino ang iyong susundin? Dahil sa buhul-buhol na ideya, mga nakikipag-unahang utak, mga posibilidad na walang patutunguhan at mga ideyang paulit ulit na naiisip, hindi mo alam kung saan ka talaga papanig. Isang araw, napagkasunduan na dito ka kumapit. Ngunit darating din ang araw- malamang isa, dalawang oras lang ang nakalipas, heto na naman ang iyong sarili at nakikipaglaban kung tama ba ang desisyong ginawa o mas tama na pumanig sa kabila. Hanggang sa makita mo na lang ang iyong sarili na ginagawa ang mga bagay na wala na naman sa patutunguhan at walang kasiguraduhan.
Hanggang kailan ba ang labanang ito? Hanggang kailan makikipaglaban ang iyong sarili laban sa iyong sarili? Sariling utak laban sa sariling hangarin? Sariling hangarin laban sa nakatakda. Sariling paraan laban sa nakatakdang paraan. Hanggang kailan?
Dahil sa buhul-buhol na ideya, nagaganap ang mga ganitong pagtatalo. Kung susuriin, dapat lamang sigurong ayusin ang mga ideya -ayusin ang pagkabuhol nito, ituwid, plantsahin kung maari at gawing pulido. Ngunit paano? Paano?
Punung-puno ng katanungang walang kasagutan. Wala o maaring di alam ang kasagutan. Kung alam man, di pala kayang gawin, di pala kayang panindigan. Ngunit dapat tulungan ang sarili. Sa lahat ng pagkakataon, nagtatalo man ang mga ideya sa loob ng utak, dapat tulungan ang sarili. Sa kahit anong paraan.
Sa kahit anong paraan? Utak na naman ang pagaganahin -Ang aalam kung ano ba itong "kahit anong paraang" ito. Madadagdagan na naman ang bubuhol sa utak. Madadagdagan na naman ang mga hinaing, mga pagtatalo. Wala nang katapusan.
Plak. Plak. Plak.
"Tulong! Tulong! Tulong! Ano ba ang dapat gawin? Ano ba? Tulong!"
> "Itulog mo na lang yan"
>> "Iinom mo na lang yan, tara alak tayo! Yosi ka muna."
>>> "Drugs tayo gusto mo?"
>>>> "Magbasa ka na lang ng libro.. Kahit anong libro"
>>>>> "Mag-aral ka na nga lang.."
>>>>>> "Isulat mo nalang yan.."
Pinahihirapan mo lang ang sarili mo!
Tama laban sa mali. Dahil lang sa buhul-buhol na utak, malululong ka na sa alak, sigarilyo, at droga.. Buti ba kung sinunod mong magbasa na lang, mag-aral o di kaya naman ay magsulat. Depende lahat sa iyong utak, sa iyong sarili, sa iyong sarili, kung alin ang susundin mong paraan..
Iyan ba ang dahilan kung bakit ang ilang kabataan ay nalululong sa mga ganitong bagay? Dahil sa buhul-buhol na ideya sa utak?...
Kung iisipin ano ba ang punu't dulo ng pagtatalong ito? Ano ba ang dahilan ng pagkabuhul-buhol ng mga ideya sa utak mo? Ano?
--Siguro dahil hindi mo nagagawang kumawala sa iyong sarili. Kumawala sa mga ideyang bumubulabog sa'yo--Bumagsak ka sa school, naghiwalay ang iyong mga magulang, broken-hearted ka, loner ka, nawalan ka ng kaibigan, namatayan ka ng aso, pusa o minamahal sa buhay, nireject ka, naguguluhan ka sa iyong sarili, nawawala ka, naliligaw ka, di mo alam kung saan ka pupunta, di mo alam ang silbi mo sa buhay, di mo makita kung sino ang dapat panigan, ano ba ang dapat panigan, nakakita ka ng taong pinatay, pumatay ka ng kapwa, nagsamantala ka, nanakit ka ng kapwa at iba pa...
--Siguro kailangan lang na tulungan ang sarili. Ilabas mo, ika nga. Nagtatalo man ang mga sulok sa iyong utak, kailangan pa ding tulungan ang sarili.
Paano?
--Siyempre, unang una sa lahat humingi ka ng tulong kay God. Lahat ng iyan tungkol sa iyo alam ni God, kaya naman huwag magatubiling humingi ng tulong Sa Kanya..
-- Ilabas mo lang.
-- Ipahinga mo lang.
-- Kumain ka.
-- Magpakasaya ka.
Pero higit sa lahat, tawagin mo Siya. Siya ang makakatulong Sa'yo. Hindi ako sobrang relihiyosong tao. Isa rin akong napakamakasalanan. Pero sa panahon ngayon alam ko Siya lang ang makapagtutwid ng pagkabuhol ng iyong utak. Samahan mo na lang ng ibang ingredient, isang ingredient na ibibigay Niya din sa iyo. Parang isang rekado na bubuo sa lasa ng buhay. Bubuo sa tamis, pait, saya, lungkot at silbi ng buhay kasama si God.
Kung ano man ang ingredient na iyon, ipaubaya mo na lang din kay God.. Proven and tested, to attain peace-of-mind.
Nakakabaliw talaga kapag di nasasabi ang mga gustong sabihin. Pero kahit ganon, nalalaman mo kung sa paanong paraan mo matutulungan ang iyong sarili...
Paano nga ba?... Haay.
Each person answers for their own actions, and even then its God who decides.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Innate
Its very ironic to say that even though i keep on telling myself to stop, i still continue hoping, believing and fantasizing that someday we will have the same feelings. From now, I know its just a fling and no other deep feelings present. But still my mind continues to seek and believe that someday you will be mine. What a worst idea! Based from what I see and feel, you dont actually like me. You dont actually want to entertain someone like me. And you dont really have feelings with me. Though maybe I assume you have, it always ends to nothing. So why would I always bug myself with this? Why would I bother and make some effort to insist myself to you?.. If I know you really dont care. Why would I always make myself be stressed because of thinking of you. Why?
Maybe its just an innate part on me. And I really hate myself being like that!
---------
Do I really have feelings with you?
Do I really care about you?
Or do I just make myself believe that I like you?
For now, there's no reason for me to keep in touch with you.
But still, I keep on insisting to be closed to you.
From this point, I think the problem falls to the way I think and the way I handle distractions.
The problem is all about me. Not with others, not with the environment, not with you,
But with me. -- How I bug myself onto something futile and make myself be distracted.
Maybe its also an innate part on me.
And I cant help myself to change that.
Maybe I could modify that attitude, but there will be some feeling that may be ignored if I did.
Which then will end me from being HURT..
Maybe its just an innate part on me. And I really hate myself being like that!
---------
Do I really have feelings with you?
Do I really care about you?
Or do I just make myself believe that I like you?
For now, there's no reason for me to keep in touch with you.
But still, I keep on insisting to be closed to you.
From this point, I think the problem falls to the way I think and the way I handle distractions.
The problem is all about me. Not with others, not with the environment, not with you,
But with me. -- How I bug myself onto something futile and make myself be distracted.
Maybe its also an innate part on me.
And I cant help myself to change that.
Maybe I could modify that attitude, but there will be some feeling that may be ignored if I did.
Which then will end me from being HURT..
Monday, February 23, 2009
My Box
The moment of peeking. My mind seems to be so abusive.My heart cant win over with it. Sometimes it is better to treat yourself as being so stupid.Being so stupid as always..Because your heart keeps on pounding, beating, and caring for someone. Sometimes its worth is not enough to satisfy its meaning. There's a lot of meaning around us. When you are inside a box for a long time and you try to peak for a moment to be aware..you would see the best and the worst part of the environment. You will feel the caress of air every night, the longing for something you do not have, and you will feel that you have nothing except from the innate nature around you. By feeling those desired and undesired thoughts, the traumatic event seems to be always waiting for you to come. Until keeping inside the box is the only way to satisfy yourself and to keep yourself from feeling those traumatic events. Being inside the box is the only way to help yourself, to live life without worries.So from now, after ending the futile conversation and after peeking from the edges of my box, I must come to the point wherein I should close it and keep it from longing. Keep myself from being so stubborn, stupid, worthless, aggressive, and submissive. I must keep my box close until one day someone will open it and carry me from inside out. Letting me realize the beauty of outside, the beauty of the environment, the caress of air and the worth of life..So I must stop peeking. I must keep my box close as long as possible.. I must never try to open it all by myself...
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