Open and excessive happiness.

This 1st semester of my 4th year gives me so much happiness and a lot of changes within my self - my attitude, my feelings, my moods and emotions, my environment and my perspective in studying. It really crashed my sleepy world but then its okay and I became so much happy that they wouldnt believe that it was me.

If I will to think of this too much happiness, I am really afraid of its consequences. Consequences that will eventually bring me to my depressed mood and loneliness.

I like this feeling. Being so carefree but then when there comes a trouble, we enjoy partnering each other. Enjoying while in the midst of time constraints activities, unit exams for tomorrows, etc.

I really love it.. my group, my feelings right now, my mood when there comes my friends, my groupmates. I really love it. But I am so afraid.. Afraid for my own actions. Afraid of letting them see the real me and then reject me if they tend to dislike my personality. I am so afraid.. I am so afraid to see and feel that they were just been untrue and plastic to me. I am so afraid. I am so afraid that I am only the one feeling this kind of happiness and making rude to myself and to other people.


I am so afraid. So I must control this excessive happiness and try to be on my modest mood. So that the impact of parting will seem to be so light. But it will be so hard ofcourse and I will just let myself be conscious about it. Maybe I will then just go with the flow while closing the so much open happiness.

confusions..

Ayan na naman..

Nalilito na naman ako..

I get easily confused. Confused of everything. Confused always. I s this one of the manifestations of my unknown or should I say maybe-known personality or psychiatric disorder?

Do I really have that Bipolar Disorder?

The symptoms are present in me.. especially the racing thoughts, delusions- grandeuor delusions, difficulty in concentration and focusing, easily distacted aetc. As of now, I cant still say that I really have that one but Im pressuming that I have some kinda unhealthy mentality.

Going back to my confused thoughts. I want to get rid of it as of now, that's why im here writing in this page.

confused.. first of all in my real identity.
Its been somewhat confusing and very distracting that Im again and again going back to my issue with regards to my real identity. to be really honest, i know that Im a girl, a true feminine-soft-hearted girl who loves boys and attracted to no other than but boys. But still here I am losing my mind figuring out my real identity, knowing my true self and knowing what should I do. For now, as i know myself, yes I like boys but something is making me be aloof with them. To protect my self-image and my ego, I used to use several defense mechanisms. Almost all the defense mechanisms in order for me to maintain my integrity and protect my image from this-pleasure-seeking-id. And so I think with regards to being boyish and having some different identity, maybe it is just a form of defense mechanism in order for me not to entertain boys and be distracted with them, and for me to control myself and not let myself fall for them. And I could say that it was been effective. But as of now, it seems that it is kinda being different, a more complicated situation. Because of this boyish type, I let myself be attracted with girls, taking into consideration that I know I still like boys. I let myself be attracted with them, among those are ep, em, and now Im letting myself fall to er. Is this right?.. With this thought, I think Im just making my identity confusion worse because Im dealing and entertaining persons same with my gender.

What will I do then?

I dont want to be confused.
I dont want to deal with it and make it worse.

I just want to do things right. Free and happy.

Will I be free and happy if I deal with the persons same with my gender?

What?.. I dont know as of now, but still let's see if some spark will appear and make me fall for someone not against my will.

Let's see. Just be happy and enjoy the free life.



With this confusion.. is it one of the symptoms of my known-psyciatric/personality-disorder? Or is it just a way of fooling my mind..?

What?

With this manic and depressive events, unstable emotions, mood swings and mixed states, when will I be stable?.. How could I prevent my self from the stressors that triggers my mood swings, my disorder? how?.. I should control myself. Control. Control. Control. I need it!

So pls help me po God...

Thanks. ;I

Who really am I?...

Who Am I
Casting Crowns Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Bridge:
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.


I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.


I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
I am yours..
I am yours..

I THINK GOD CAN EXPLAIN
By: Splender

There's a lot of things I understand
And there's a lot of things that
I don't want to know
But you're the only face I recognize
It's so damn sweet of you
to look me in the eyes

Chorus:
It's alright, I'm O.K.
I think God can explain
I believe I'm the same
I get caried away
It's alright, I'm O.K.
I think God can explain
I'm relieved I'm relaxed
I'll get over it yet

The sent of vasoline
in the summertime
The feel of an icecube
Melting overtime
The world seems bigger
Than both of us
Yet it seems so small
when I begin to cry

Repeat Chorus

I'm so much better than you guessed
I'm so much bigger than you guessed
I'm so much brighter than you guessed

Repeat Chorus

I think God can explain
I think God can explain
I think God can explain

Buhol

Nakakabuang kapag hindi nasasabi ang gustong sabihin. Nakakabaliw. Lumilipad lipad lang sa utak. Ang hirap pang hulihin... Para kang naghuhuli ng isang bagay na hindi mo alam kung ano.. Isang bagay na gusto mo lang hulihin para makawala.. Makawala sa tinatago ng iyong sarili at sa mga bagay na bumubulong at bumubulabog sa iyo.

Minsan nagaganap ang giyera. May isang sulok sa iyong katawan na nakikipaglaban para sa isang hangaring makawala at makaligtas. May isang sulok din naman na humihila sa iyo at nakikipaglaban din sa paraang hindi maayos at walang kasiguraduhan. Saan ka papanig? Saan ka pupunta? Sino ang iyong susundin? Dahil sa buhul-buhol na ideya, mga nakikipag-unahang utak, mga posibilidad na walang patutunguhan at mga ideyang paulit ulit na naiisip, hindi mo alam kung saan ka talaga papanig. Isang araw, napagkasunduan na dito ka kumapit. Ngunit darating din ang araw- malamang isa, dalawang oras lang ang nakalipas, heto na naman ang iyong sarili at nakikipaglaban kung tama ba ang desisyong ginawa o mas tama na pumanig sa kabila. Hanggang sa makita mo na lang ang iyong sarili na ginagawa ang mga bagay na wala na naman sa patutunguhan at walang kasiguraduhan.

Hanggang kailan ba ang labanang ito? Hanggang kailan makikipaglaban ang iyong sarili laban sa iyong sarili? Sariling utak laban sa sariling hangarin? Sariling hangarin laban sa nakatakda. Sariling paraan laban sa nakatakdang paraan. Hanggang kailan?

Dahil sa buhul-buhol na ideya, nagaganap ang mga ganitong pagtatalo. Kung susuriin, dapat lamang sigurong ayusin ang mga ideya -ayusin ang pagkabuhol nito, ituwid, plantsahin kung maari at gawing pulido. Ngunit paano? Paano?

Punung-puno ng katanungang walang kasagutan. Wala o maaring di alam ang kasagutan. Kung alam man, di pala kayang gawin, di pala kayang panindigan. Ngunit dapat tulungan ang sarili. Sa lahat ng pagkakataon, nagtatalo man ang mga ideya sa loob ng utak, dapat tulungan ang sarili. Sa kahit anong paraan.

Sa kahit anong paraan? Utak na naman ang pagaganahin -Ang aalam kung ano ba itong "kahit anong paraang" ito. Madadagdagan na naman ang bubuhol sa utak. Madadagdagan na naman ang mga hinaing, mga pagtatalo. Wala nang katapusan.

Plak. Plak. Plak.

"Tulong! Tulong! Tulong! Ano ba ang dapat gawin? Ano ba? Tulong!"


> "Itulog mo na lang yan"
>> "Iinom mo na lang yan, tara alak tayo! Yosi ka muna."
>>> "Drugs tayo gusto mo?"
>>>> "Magbasa ka na lang ng libro.. Kahit anong libro"
>>>>> "Mag-aral ka na nga lang.."
>>>>>> "Isulat mo nalang yan.."
Pinahihirapan mo lang ang sarili mo!


Tama laban sa mali. Dahil lang sa buhul-buhol na utak, malululong ka na sa alak, sigarilyo, at droga.. Buti ba kung sinunod mong magbasa na lang, mag-aral o di kaya naman ay magsulat. Depende lahat sa iyong utak, sa iyong sarili, sa iyong sarili, kung alin ang susundin mong paraan..

Iyan ba ang dahilan kung bakit ang ilang kabataan ay nalululong sa mga ganitong bagay? Dahil sa buhul-buhol na ideya sa utak?...

Kung iisipin ano ba ang punu't dulo ng pagtatalong ito? Ano ba ang dahilan ng pagkabuhul-buhol ng mga ideya sa utak mo? Ano?

--Siguro dahil hindi mo nagagawang kumawala sa iyong sarili. Kumawala sa mga ideyang bumubulabog sa'yo--Bumagsak ka sa school, naghiwalay ang iyong mga magulang, broken-hearted ka, loner ka, nawalan ka ng kaibigan, namatayan ka ng aso, pusa o minamahal sa buhay, nireject ka, naguguluhan ka sa iyong sarili, nawawala ka, naliligaw ka, di mo alam kung saan ka pupunta, di mo alam ang silbi mo sa buhay, di mo makita kung sino ang dapat panigan, ano ba ang dapat panigan, nakakita ka ng taong pinatay, pumatay ka ng kapwa, nagsamantala ka, nanakit ka ng kapwa at iba pa...

--Siguro kailangan lang na tulungan ang sarili. Ilabas mo, ika nga. Nagtatalo man ang mga sulok sa iyong utak, kailangan pa ding tulungan ang sarili.

Paano?

--Siyempre, unang una sa lahat humingi ka ng tulong kay God. Lahat ng iyan tungkol sa iyo alam ni God, kaya naman huwag magatubiling humingi ng tulong Sa Kanya..

-- Ilabas mo lang.
-- Ipahinga mo lang.
-- Kumain ka.
-- Magpakasaya ka.

Pero higit sa lahat, tawagin mo Siya. Siya ang makakatulong Sa'yo. Hindi ako sobrang relihiyosong tao. Isa rin akong napakamakasalanan. Pero sa panahon ngayon alam ko Siya lang ang makapagtutwid ng pagkabuhol ng iyong utak. Samahan mo na lang ng ibang ingredient, isang ingredient na ibibigay Niya din sa iyo. Parang isang rekado na bubuo sa lasa ng buhay. Bubuo sa tamis, pait, saya, lungkot at silbi ng buhay kasama si God.

Kung ano man ang ingredient na iyon, ipaubaya mo na lang din kay God.. Proven and tested, to attain peace-of-mind.




Nakakabaliw talaga kapag di nasasabi ang mga gustong sabihin. Pero kahit ganon, nalalaman mo kung sa paanong paraan mo matutulungan ang iyong sarili...

Paano nga ba?... Haay.


Each person answers for their own actions, and even then its God who decides.

GUIDELINES FOR 2009

CREDO 2009

Environment
Personal/ Emotional
Schooling


Stop making yourself worst/ stupid.
- Do not let somebody enter your life without your permission.
- Stop fantasizing someone you want. If you found yourself fantasizing, divert yourself onto listening to rock music while reading, play games. Never entertain those fantasies.
- Read a lot. Fundamentals, Med-surg etc. do not let your mind be vacant which tend you to think wasted thoughts.
- If you did something unusual, and you found it affects other people or it affects your self-esteem, do blogs to express yourself and try to forget it afterwards, talk to God and divert yourself on something worthy activities. Limit yourself on drinking alcohol and smoking. It doesnt give so much relief. (Smoking should be atleast once a month or just cease it into your life)
- Stop comparing yourself to others. You are different from them. Just do the best of you.
- Stop m..ting. Just to have some pleasure and the like! If you did, cut yourself.


Be happy. Enjoy your life to the fullest.
- Relax and Sleep. But limit it. Do not be too lazy. Follow the scheduled plan for the day. If you didnt follow - DO NOT SLEEP until you have done what supposed to be done.
- Play every week. Enjoy it. Either Saturday or Sunday. (Have a schedule for play)
- If ever you need to use the computer, use it wisely and as needed! Do not just use it for chat. Remove YM in your programs!
- Limit texting and chatting! Loading of cellphones should be every other week or once a month.
- If you want some change, make sure you can stand for it.
- If you gave suggestions, make sure that you have the capability to do it! Never suggest something that you cant prove you can do.
- Accept your faults. But do not make/ do too much mistakes.
- NEVER REGRET on something you have done. If you did something that resulted into a worst situation, still never regret. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS. Be responsible enough to face it even it is worst and even you became worst!
- Always be yourself. Never pretend to anyone that you want this and that eventhough you actually doesnt like it.
- Limit yourself on being so narcisstic/ Self-conscious. Stop minding anyone's feeling. Try to confirm to someone what is he/she actually feels with what you have done, for you to stop predicting/minding something that will surely makes you feel guilty or worthless. But always be sensitive to others with regards to your actions.
- If you did something, you did it because you want it. Not because you wanted to prove to everyone that you are better than others on doing that-something.
- Stop comparing yourself to others. You are different from them. Just do the best of you.
- Do not be too arrogant. Stop being so boastful. Always put yourself on the ground. Trust God in everything you do. Be obedient to Him and to your parents. Always put into your mind that God is everywhere, always with you. He sees you when you are down, He see everything in you, so be careful in your actions.


Study seriously!
- Always be guided with your planned schedule for the day. If you didnt follow that planned schedule, do not go to sleep!
- How to be motivated? Read and reflect to the "daily bread" for the day. (Include this on your everyday plan)
- Remain on-focus. Never allow anyone to enter your world. Do not entertain fantasies etc. FOCUS!
- If you found yourself suffocated, slow down!. Listen to music and relax for about 5-15 mins ONLY.
- If you got low grade on your quizes or unit exam, never regret on what you've answered. Think positively - you know you still lack basic information and again read the devotion for the day, talk to God and evaluate yourself. Then read and do what supposed to be done.
- Being so grade-conscious? ---- Remember these: (adapted from a friend of Mr. R. Fulghum)

• The race is not always to the swift, or to the battle to the strong, but you better bet that way. (It is not always the grades that matter, but better be guided that you should maintain your grades in a rightful manner - in a way that you study and learn the basics and didnt cheat, that's why you got good grades).
• Place your bet between turning the other cheek and enough is enough already. (If you did your best on studying the lesson and still you were not able to get what you want, always put in mind that you did your best to understand and digest the lesson and that actions are enough.)
• Place your bet between haste-makes-waste and he-who-hesitates-is-lost. (Go on what you think is right even it'll turn into worst,and if you regret on doing that then you lost, so never regret on doing something that may help you become a better and competent student/person.)
• About winning: It isn't important. What really counts is how you play the game. (About having good grades, it is not good grades that matters, it is how you got it - you have studied and then you've learned, you did your best and didnt cheat! - that's what matters.
• About losing: It isn't important. What really counts is how you play the game. (When having low grade/ failures in exams or quizes, that isnt matter, what matter is how you studied and how you did your best, how you did your duty as a student. If you got low grades because you didnt study, then you deserve it. Same as when you got good grades because you did study and focused on your lesson. But when you did study but still you failed, then think of it as a challenge. There are still lot of information you need to know and that is why you got low grade. And do not be so depressed. Talk to God and ask for help/advise. Do what He says.)
• About playing the game: Play to win. (About studying, study to learn and to get good grades, not to fling or to lose and eventully not to fail) STUDY SERIOUSLY!!!!
• (Always put your feet on the ground when you won.)

- Never forget to ask for some assistance, from your classmates or friends or professors. Always remember that you do not know everything and sometimes you cannot do some tasks alone. So better ask for someone's help!


Some credo adapted from Mr. R. Fulghum's All I Really Need to Know I learned in Kindergarten:
- Share everything.
- Play fair.
- DONT HIT PEOPLE.
- Put things back where you found them.
- clean up your own mess.
- Don't take things that aren't yours
- Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
- Wash your hands before you eat.
- LIVE A BALANCED LIFE - Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and danceand play and work everyday some. (Feel free everyday)
- Take a nap every afternoon. (after school)

and

- DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU THINK! (What you have thought for now may not be the same for an hour after or tomorrows).

I hope I could maintain this. Help me Oh Lor God.

whew...

"For A Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic"
Just talk yourself upAnd tear yourself downYou've hit your one wallNow find a way aroundWell what's the problem?You've got a lot of nerve
So what did you think I would say?No you can't run away, no you can't run awaySo what did you think I would say?No you can't run away, no you can't run awayYou wouldn't
I never wanted to say thisYou never wanted to stayI put my faith in you, so much faithAnd then you just threw it awayYou threw it away
I'm not so naiveMy sorry eyes can seeThe way you fight shyOf almost everythingWell, if you give upYou'll get what you deserve
You were finished long beforeWe had even seen the startWhy don't you stand up, be a man about it?Fight with your bare hands about it now
I never wanted to say thisYou never wanted to stay well did youI put my faith in you, so much faithAnd then you just threw it away
.......................Such a Pessimist..

Fly..

oh.. what a day...

it seems that i long for some fun.. FUNNY-thing ALONE.. Bonding with myself?.. Whhoaahh... I enjoyed it.. though I have so many things to do.. So many plans to make.. I wasnt able to concentrate until I satisfy myself from these-funny-stuff-thing. Maybe a kind of motivation for me..

Before I decided to go for some out-of-the-academe-mood.. I was reading alterations in respi and I wasnt able to concentrate most.. Why?.. Maybe because Im preoccupied with something/somethings/Someone???

Oh...

First...

I think because of the so many plans I have wrote in my list.. I cant decide which will I do first. When will I do.. And what would be my motivation to do it.. I cant find any...

Next.. Because of that thinking.. Motivation..Plans.. And all those stuff.. I was just fantasizing for someone in order for me to get on the mood and be lively enough to study and do all my plans..

But as I go on.. I observed that I cannot focus anymore.. I cant concentrate.. I cannot find myself studying... I think while looking at the book.. Im daydreaming... Until I have realized that I want to sleep first and then after 30 mins. I will continue reading...

But that didnt really what happened.. While my eyes were close, my mind is looking for some worthy things that I should do aside from sleeping and daydreaming while studying...

Until my mind decided to go outside. Go out of the room.. Out of the room where in I will not be so sleepy and unworthy to think of someone that is probably not also that worthy to think of .

So there.. I went to the school to borrow book in P.E and O.R.. and then I went straight to MOA.. Thinking that I might be meeting the eye I want.. But ofcourse always impossible.. Unless destiny will let us and agree... So there, while in MOA I have realized that I enjoy shopping. Shopping eventhough I do not have that so much money to buy all the things I want.. I felt Im free. I felt that my schedule is not that busy enough to let myself be free of the academe, selfcenteredness and so much undying unworthy stuffs, even for as while.. And so that's it.. While I kept myself busy on looking for some things I need, I realized that I was enjoying.. that my mind got out of the preoccupation-things.. And so I felt it became so helpful.. Eventhough that's not really my motive on going to that mall, eventhough our eyes didnt met, eventhough I didnt see him.. Im happy enough on what I did.. And that's because I feel that Im enjoying myself.. I dont need anyone to make me happy.. make me feel the way I feel when Im alone.. Being free, with nothing else to worry about.. I love it...

And so that's it.. Ahmm. Anyway.. As I have said before I enter to that mall, if I ever I didnt find the one I want.. Ill not force myself anymore.. Ill not let myself feel that Im desperate.. I dont want that word to describe me..

Just for me to decide that I need to go on the flow and just let God lead me on the way...

Hmmn.. Be cool... Be free... of the worries, anxities, assignments and all.. be free.. Fly and still I know I can reach it!... Anything I want....

So help me God...


Waaaahhh..

expectations..

wait.. i think i must take a break first.. actually, ngayon lang ako ulit nagkaron ng tym to ryt here in my blog and unfortunately.. as always its because of something that i need to express and something i cant figure out all by myself.

it's been a week or probably 5 days ago since i celebrated my debut and i think im not yet able to get over with it. that time.. i dont know if im happy or not but im sure to myself that somehow it gave so much happiness on me.. those memories that i will cherish all through out my life.. expectations are not meant just to see yourself being there.. it's just a thinking what might happen.. expect the unexpected.. that's what they say..

and so.. what's happening with me ryt now?.. if im happy then why am i not getting over with it..? i hope i could be.. i cant focus yet.. i cant study seriously and i cant do all the things i must do.. what's happening with me??.. a while ago.. i just took the personality disoerder test here in the internet and this are the results;

Disorder RatingParanoid: Very HighSchizoid: ModerateSchizotypal: ModerateAntisocial: HighBorderline: LowHistrionic: HighNarcissistic: Very HighAvoidant: HighDependent: ModerateObsessive-Compulsive: Low

It's shows that I'm very paranoid and narcissistic..

Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant. They usually shift blame to other people and tend to carry long grudges.
Symptoms of Paranoid Personality Disorder:
Unwillingness to forgive perceived insults
Excessive sensitivity to setbacks
Distrustfulness and excessive self-reliance
Projection of blame onto others
Consumed by anticipation of betrayal
Combative and tenacious adherence to personal rights
Relentlessly suspicious

Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recongize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. Narcissists tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them.
Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
Requires excessive praise and admiration
Takes advantage of others
Grandiose sense of self-importance
Lack of empathy
Lying, to self and others
Obsessed with fantasies of fame, power, or beauty


and so that;s the result...

whats the cause of this then..??


hmmn.. i think it is all because of what just happen last saturday on my debut..

although im very satisfied with the outcome.. still there are regrets that comes to my mind.. and there were things that i supposed didnt do..


first.. i was very dissapointed to my college classmates because they didnt even give notice that they will not attend on my party.., not only my college friends but also to my highschool and some other friends i know.. i even bother to put their names in my invitation card and yet they didnt even i come.. i should have list those who are very promising to come.. and that's my fault then... honestly im very dissapointed and hurt that time.. also.. because of what i just did.. i keep on reminding them that im inviting them to come and when they told me they wouldnt be coming, i insisted that they should come.. to think na kinukulit ko pa sila para lang pumunta sila sa party ko.. kkainis.. why did i do that?? hmmnn.. that's what im really bothered of.. what kind of friends they are..?/ after i gave trust to them.. thay just let me fall and turn their back in front of me.. i dont like that.. itskk.. maybe it was also my fault because i expect that all of them will come and see me transformed because of turning from boyish to a little lady dressed in gown.. tskk..

i want to get over with those things kaya naman i wrote here.. i didnt tell this to anybody.. and i think my fruiends and also my mom are really confused on what am i in righty now.. kahapon.. i misplaced the P600 peso boundary and i felt bad on myslef then.. my mom was thinking something on me and thinks that im not in myslef anymore.. then a while ago, my friend asked me if i have any problem?? i said i havent.. but to be honest i think i have but i dont want to tell them.. i want it to be resolve all by myself.. i know this will pass and i know ill overcome all these thoughts.


but anyway.. to be honest im happy that day and i hope God will not be mad at me because of some things im not satisfied with.. i hope ill get over with this and so pls help me God.....

bookhunt.

i'm still in the midst of finding out my real self.. yesterday, i just bought an english version of the bible.. - my personal bible. i hope i could be more inclined with God. while in the bookstore yesterday, i have read the "All i really need to know I learned in Kindergarten', and i found it very inspiring.. i want to buy that book but i am not that sure if that book will help me to go on in this life.. but, still i am looking forward that within this year, i finished reading that book.

mountain

a girl climb up in a mountain. she did lot of hardworks to be on top. suddenly, there was a storm and thunder and lightning and the girl was about to fall. the girl realized that she is about to fall. after realizing the possibility of falling, she thought that all her hardworks can be turned to nothing - all in trash and be wasted.

moral lesson:
dont be too arrogant. if you did a lot of works just to present something correct and you found it definitely right compare to others, dont assume that it is all right. because when the judgement comes, the very first level that needs to be justified and should be correct might be wrong which will surely made the next level and the whole work WRONG!

never assume too much!, always put you feet on the ground.

comment - multiple personality

a copy from the comment of shermin in yahoogroups.


whoa.. *nose bleed* ang haba ah.. natural lang na malito ka sa agemo.. stress lang yan.. hehe.. well, yung sinasabi mo na iba ka sabahay at sa school, tama, dahil sa environment yun, pero mali na ka-plastikan yun. ganito yan, yung actions na ginagawa mo,unconsciously yun, meaning ginagawa mo siya ng automatic. akala molang, hindi ikaw yun, pero lahat yan, personality mo. ok, nalilitoka dahil marami kang iniisip masyado. 30% yung unknown area mo, itcould mean anxieties. may mga insecurities ka siguro, or otherpersonal problem. mababang confidence at kung anu-ano pa. hindi kokasi masyadong alam yung ugali mo kaya hindi ko masabi. kung hindilang bawal, ikukuha sana kita ng personality test eh.. kasi kahetkonti marunong naman ako mag-interpret, yung minor details lang.sayang. pag may available copy na ako, kahet photocopy lang, ipa-pa-test ko sayo. hehe.. pero the best thing to do is analyze yourself.obserbahan mo lang yung sarili mo, sabi mo iba ka sa school, gaanokaiba pag nasa bahay ka? mas maingay ka ba sa school? hindi ka baclose sa pamilya mo? may galet ka ba kahet kaninong party (schoolfriend, family member)? compare mo yung differences, tapos later onmaiintindihan mo na rin kung bakit ka ganun pag andito ka or kungbakit sila ganun.. mga ganung bagay.. honestly, ang hirap magbigayng mga perceptions dito eh.. dapat personal na ginagawa toh paramagkaintindihan tayo eh.. hehe.. anyhoo, yan lang muna angmaitutulong ko.. sa monday may personality test daw ulet kami,hehe.. try kong i-gets yung interpretation nun. hehe. nga pala, ican administer a personality test or two. pero hindi ako magalingmag-interpret. hehe.. pag may time tayo pareho, we'll check it out.=) yown!-shERmz-

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sabi nga pala ng prof ko, anxieties lang yan.. hehe.. lahatdumadating sa point na yan, ang kaibahan lang eh kung paano mo siyaiha-handle. stressful talaga ang college life kaya ganyan. teka, anoka ba pag kasama mo kami? pag kasama mo yung klasmeyts mo? eh sapamilya mo? baka naman, ganyan ka lang kasi sociable ka, you can bewith any kind of person. hehe..magkakaanak sila? i dont think so.. they cannot PRODUCE their OWN.ampon, hindi kanila yun, blood is thicker than water. pano pagbiglang binawi yung bata? tsaka, one thing, it won't last forever,ngayon siguro feel na feel ng mga gays ang isa't isa, eh pano bukas?kunwari, isang guy and gay, pano pag nakahanap ng girl yung guy?iiwan na niya yung gay?sabi nga pala ng prof ko, sorry sa wordings ah.. takpan niyo na langmata niyo.. eto na, yung mga bakla, maaaring gusto nilang mga babaedahil ang perception ng society sa beauty ay women. perhaps gustodin nila ng atraksyon sa pagkakaroon ng boobs or whatever. sabi rinniya, walang lesbian, bakla lang ang meron. parang defense mechanismlang yung pagiging lesbian nila, baka naging man hater na sila kasinaloko sila o kung anu-ano pa. one more thing, pag ang babaenakakita ng isang erect na penis, automatic ang response, mag-iinityun, and basa na.. hehe. parang natural response yun eh. pero sacase ng bakla, kahit may nakahubad na babae, walang erection yun.except lang sa mga bi ah.. sabi ng prof ko yan.. sori sa mga salita..hehe.. hust sharing.. baka makatulong..-shERmz-

GUIDELINES FOR THIS YEAR

01.09.08

GUIDELINES ON HOW TO BE AN EFFECTIVE AND PROGRESSIVE PERSON

1. Stop making yourself worst.

2. Do a lot of readings, dont let your mind be in vacant which will tend you to think of too much wasted thoughts.

3. Be happy. Enjoy life to the fullest.

4. If you did something, never regret. Remember its you the one who decides.

5. Be yourself. If you want some change, make it or do it.

6. Accept you faults. But dont make/do too much mistakes.

7. Dont be too lazy. Your rest time should be atleast 30 minutes to 1 hour. (sleeping hours)

8. If ever you need to use the computer, do browse (friendster, yahoomail, groups, chat) for only one hour. Never exceed to one hour. Use the computer as needed.

9. Make your time worthy.

10. Texting especially to y, should be for atleast 2 days for every 4 moths. If you want/ need to use cellphone, use it as needed not just for pleasure, flings or just for own happiness, or whatever worthless things.

11. If you want some change, make sure you can stand for it and make sure that you can do it.

12. Study seriously. But if you found yourself being suffocated, slow down, take some rest, relax, look for friends who'll make you happy then enjoy what you are doing. Again, never regret.

13. If something is bothering you, let it be expressed. Make some blog, speak to a friend or relax. Making blog should be atleast 1-2 hours.

14. Have the motivation to study. after taking rest, do the assigned works and the requirements that needs to be done.

15. Dont be too arrogant. Always put your feet on the the ground. Trust God in whatever you do. Have the faith in Him. Always put into your mind that God is everywhere, He sees you when you are down, He sees you when youre up, He sees everything in you, so be careful in everything you do. Always thank God for all the blessings He gaves and for ALL.

16. Dont be too plastic. If you dont want, never pretend that you want it; if it is bad, dont pretend that it is good, just to please other. Stand for what you think.

1DO THESE RULES OR ELSE YOU'LL BE ON THE WRONG PATH.

multiple personality

just wanna answer my previous question..

as i read my book in psycho.. natural lang daw pla ang pagkakaroonng mutiple personality.. ung tipong iba ka kapag nasa skul, kapagkasama mo yung mga friends mo and other friends and kahit kapag nasabahay ka.. kasi one of the factors that affects our personality isthe environment or the people around us.. we tend to be what theypressume or whatsoever they see on us...kaya naman we act on the waythey pressume and act the way we want them to see.. but as we knowourselves, parang iba yun sa totoong tayo base na rin sarili natingpag-iisip.. (second voice: ibig sabhin may pagkaplastic ka pla?,kasi ginagawa mo lang ung isang bagay dahil yun ung nakaugaliannilang makita sau and gusto mong makita nila yon sayo.. pero angtotoo di naman ikaw yun pag nasa harap ka ng ibang tao).. hah? anggulo.. hehehe. tama ba?...

as i evaluate myself, i take for example the johari window..
25% Public area (i know myself and others know)
30% Private area (i know myself but others dont know)
15% Blind area (i dont know myself others know)
30% UNKNOWN (i dont know myself others dont know)

that's what constitute my self-concept.. but that is not factual..haha.. how did i assume that i have those percentage in thosearea....?--only from what do i feel.. i want a factual basis.. yungtipong survey tapos kung ano yung kinalabasan, may meaning taposmalalaman mo nlang.. yun nga yung ikaw.. yung ganon bah...hahahah.. anu na ba tong pinagsasabi koh../??

im still in the midst of reformation and searching the real me.. hahaha.. lakas ng tama ko!! hehe

out-of-my-mind

wow. as of now, i finished reading all the thoughts that i wrote here last year and i cant imagine that somehow i can express my thoughts through writings!.. i like it.. very much!..
well.. as i've said.., we're already in the road of 2008, and i am so confused on what will happen for this year...

kakastart lang ng klase namin last thursday, and i feel so tired pa rin coz i wasnt able to take a long sleep during the christmas vacation because im in the market helping my mother selling fruits, and we were blessed because naging maayos naman ung pagtitinda namin and unexpectedly, naubos lahat ng fruits namin during the last hours of 31st of December... i was thinking then why do people in the Philippines have a tradition of collecting circle fruits when the new year comes.. anyway.. that's the first time my mom encountered having empty store for the last hours of the year.

01.06.08 2pm
and by now, sobrang nabubulabog ang isip ko.. i dont know why.. i want to release this kind of feeling.. this kind of mentality. grabeh.. feeling ko sasabog na ung utak ko dahil sa halo-halong ideas na nakikipagunahan para mabasa ng utak ko.. mababaliw na yata ako, or should i say.. malala na ang kalagayan ko.. hmmn.. as of now i cant identify all ideas inside my mind, but ill try.. first, i am thinking of he yesterday's topic of our group in Logic.. we will have a debate on finals and the group choose to discuss "is same sex marriage should be legalized in the Philippines", i thought i had the group where in the members are quite not good, and still i cant prove if my perception is right because i do not know and see them doing the debate. anyway, in this topic i belong to the affirmative side.. and what really bothered me was my co-affirmative members. they are all bisexual.. why did i choose to be on their side while im not sure in my identity. yes, i know im a girl but i cant understand myself. during this hour together with these bisexual classmates, i thought im also a bi., but i cant really said that i am.. i want to but i cant at this time. maybe time will come that i can prove that im a certified bi.. then also, what bothered me was the thought of why am i so happy whenever i speak to my exbf-lucky., i think im really a girl whenever i speak to him, but when i stand in the room where there are my college friends i think im not the "NICA" my highschool friends knew. am i a being having many personality..?, i dont know. that's why these ideas make me so confused. so much - where in my head turns to gray and empty coz of too much thinking., also, early this morning when i about to wake up, i thought of things that will make me certified bi.. and i remember that my classmate said to me that he will look for a girl for me. shocks!, during the time he said that to me, it was ok then.. but i realized that it is really hard to have an on-the-spot relationship.. i mean.. you tend to know this person because you yourself know that this is because this person will be my partner(gf/bf).. and its really hard because ive already felt whats the feeling. so a while ago, my mind turns to april - my classmate, or should i say the girl i wanted because, when im with her i can tell all my feelings and be as sabog as i can or be makulit all in all and she makes the same way.. inshort im very comfortable with her. so because of that i think i like her to be my gf., BUT.... i think i cant!.. i dont know how to court a girl and i am afraid to what will be her feeling if i tend to do so.. natawa nga ako sa sarili ko kanina kasi napabangon ako dahil sa naisip ko na gumawa ng letter para ligawan siya pero naudlot din yun kasi nagbago yung isip.. ewan ko kung matutuloy pang sulatan ko siya.. or sabihin nlang sa kaniya ng personal.. ewan ko na lang.. basta im so afraid on what will be her reaction and also natatakot ako na mareject niya ako at dahil sa ginawa ko masisira yung friendship namin.. i dont want that to happen, kaya sobrang pinagiisipan ko kung tama ba tong gagawin ko.. kaya siguro sumasakit tong ulo ko..
next is nakausap ko si lucky kagabi and di ko maipagkakaila na masaya ako pag nakakausap ko siya.. it doesnt mean anything but im just happy lang talaga.. that's all.. no one can make me happy sa text even my high school friends, my other ex.. they cant.. but except on lucky.. siya lang talaga.. i dont mean anything basta sinasabi ko lang talaga na iba yung feeling kapag siya yung katext and kausap ko sa phone.. aun... tapos lam mo ba inadd ko yung gf niya sa friendster gamit yung account ni anje.. pero di niya inaaccept.. bkit kaya?.. i have the feeling na si lucky yung nag ddeny dun.. nakakaasar.. bakit nila nirereject,.. nakakaasar tuloy.. gusto ko na lang tuloy malaman kung ano password ng dalawang yun para di nila ako napapansin.. pero.. palagay ko ako rin yung my problema kasi bkit ko pa ba sila pinapakelaman?.. hmmn.. di ko naman sila pinapakealaman, gusto ko lang naman malaman yung laman nung profile nung gf nia.. yun lang.. walang ibig sabihin un para sakin.. (pero pakkialam pa din yung gnagawa mo).. ok, cge pakkialam na kung pakikialam.. basta walang ibig sabihn yun para sakin.. yun lang un!.. (ah ganon?).. uu. ganun na nga..
anyway.. hehe. the ( ) marks are the voices i heard deep in myself.. hehe.. do i still have the feelings for him?.. i think i dont have na... -- yan, that is next to the ideas that bothers me.. i know in myself na wala na akong feelings sa kanya.. na friends na lang talaga kani and i dont expect anything from him.. besides i dont want him to be with me again kasi i dont want my life to be miserable again... (eh pero bakit nakikipag-usap ka pa din sa kaniya and di lang yon.. pumapayag ka pa sa mga gusto niya and worst is sumasama ka pa sa kaniya kapag inalok ka niya na makipagkita.. pinuprove mu lang na easy to get ka pagdating sa kaniya.. napakacheap mo!) ouch!.. bkit nga bah?.. di ko din alam eh.. basta ang masasabi ko lang gusto ko din naman kasi kaya pumapapayag ako.. (and so, bakit mu gusto?)... hmmn. ewan koh., cguro dahil sa nasasabik pa rin ako sa pagmamahal ng isang jowa.. or should i say sa kaniya.. (hmm. myakz. ganon? bkit di ka na lang maghntay and ireject and mga gsto nia).. nirereject ko naman kaya lang pabago bago yung isip ko, un nga ung nakakaasar eh.. tsk., i have my boundaries and i must set limits from him.. i should follow kung ano man yung napagkasunduan namin ng sarili ko about sa kaniya and sa mga bagay na di maganda para sa kin.. kaya should go back again to what should i be.. i must CONTROL myself so that nothing bad will happen.. and also.. im going back to where i should be.. in school and in the room studying our lessons.... whew..
so now i think i have the motivation to study.. kanina kasi badtrip ayaw ng utak ko and siguro ayaw ko din.. ill be going to church kaya i should sign out.. kanina i told ange that ill be going to their house after i went to church and said to myself na kkwentuhan ko siya pra nman mabawasan yung mga nasa isip ko.. pero di ko alam kung makukuwentuhan ko pa siya kasi ayaw ko nang alalahanin or balikan pa yung mga naisip ko at mga naisulat ko dito.. di ko din alam.. tingnan na lang natin...
bye,...
3pm

end of the year

christmas had just passed by and i didnt even feel the happiness it brings.. however, the success of the presentation we have just prepared seems to be the gift i just received this christmas.. it happened in the same week of our prelims and because of that preparation, i wasnt able to review all my notes in my subjects, i just browsed in in 30 minutes and that's it, i entered the school having a little knowledge on the exam.. then it resulted to a low grade.. ofcourse!.. but, even i received a first-time-low-score., i was so happy because the one we did a lot of hardworks resulted to a high grade.,

anyway.. this time.. im just waiting for the year to be ended. and im so excited to the new year that will come.. What then would be my new year's resolution?... as of now, i can still remember what was my new year's resoultion before.. hmmmn.. and i could say, it didnt work.. although i did it for a half year.. still it didnt work.. i think new year's resolution is not that very important. but that will serve a principle for you..

what will be the very unforgettable moment next year?
will i ever have a boyfriend? or girlfriend?
will i ever develop to a boy or a girl?..
will i wear a clinical uniform and go to a hospital to have my duty?...
what would be my first time experience in a hospital?..

sigh..

i dont know.. still expect the unexpected..

bye!

Impossible.

Last week, I accidentally watched the movie "Saving Face" in HBO starring Michelle Krusiec. This movie made me think of things that seems to be impossible. For me, I think Im in the state of having identity crisis. I dont want to be lesbian but I have the thought of being such a guy. I dont act natural as girls do. I dont have any passion dealing with boys expect for my brother-im happy to see myself with him--happy and not fighting, caring and loving with each other, like a perfect brothers. I dont trust boys inshort. After I felt hurt by loving someone, I dont want to fall inlove thats why im just focusing on my studies and just make myself think that im not a girl and do have such idea of being a lesbian. This movie made me realize that it is possible that a girl can fall to another girl - full of love, without having any hesitations. As I watched the movie, I was impressed with Michelle Krusiec for her role, being a doctor and a lover to Winona..(I forgot her real name) and Michelle acted like a real lesbian and I admire her so much. That time I was thinking what if I became like that? Honestly I do want. instead of loving guys that will just make you loved then afterwards make you cry and eventually leave you after getting their pleasures from you, I was thinking how come will I carry loving someone same as my gender?-Yes. it is possible, but through friends not through girlfriends sharing same hearts. It is impossible for me to fall in the same gender as mine, I do actually think what if I can, but as far as I think, it is very impossible. First, because I treat my girl friends as only a friend and yes I love them but that's not a basis for me to act such a gay. Next, I think there's no girl who can fall inlove on me like what the lover of Michelle did. It is very impossible.

For now, maybe this crisis is a result of my deprived heart and just only thoughts that are not viable and I should return on what I was. Whew.

This picture made me touch because even they are both girls, I could say that through their deeds, they love each other and made themselves feel so special.