The List

Oftentimes the rain is dropping too fast
From above, to the roofs unto the ground.
You want to grasp the rain,
But it keeps spilling.

Though nothing has left
And the rain fades silently,
Your hope depends to the tiny drops
To fall in the window and tops of your home.

Gained as you wish from these droplets you had
Dreaming of a bright sunshine is seemingly broad,
That the visions became so blurred
By the darkness of the star.

You, as dark conscious being
Believed the star will shine as the sun
Even filled with bucket-full of rain drops
Will parch after seizing through the list..

Innate

Its very ironic to say that even though i keep on telling myself to stop, i still continue hoping, believing and fantasizing that someday we will have the same feelings. From now, I know its just a fling and no other deep feelings present. But still my mind continues to seek and believe that someday you will be mine. What a worst idea! Based from what I see and feel, you dont actually like me. You dont actually want to entertain someone like me. And you dont really have feelings with me. Though maybe I assume you have, it always ends to nothing. So why would I always bug myself with this? Why would I bother and make some effort to insist myself to you?.. If I know you really dont care. Why would I always make myself be stressed because of thinking of you. Why?

Maybe its just an innate part on me. And I really hate myself being like that!

---------

Do I really have feelings with you?
Do I really care about you?
Or do I just make myself believe that I like you?

For now, there's no reason for me to keep in touch with you.
But still, I keep on insisting to be closed to you.

From this point, I think the problem falls to the way I think and the way I handle distractions.
The problem is all about me. Not with others, not with the environment, not with you,
But with me. -- How I bug myself onto something futile and make myself be distracted.

Maybe its also an innate part on me.
And I cant help myself to change that.
Maybe I could modify that attitude, but there will be some feeling that may be ignored if I did.
Which then will end me from being HURT..

My Box

The moment of peeking. My mind seems to be so abusive.My heart cant win over with it. Sometimes it is better to treat yourself as being so stupid.Being so stupid as always..Because your heart keeps on pounding, beating, and caring for someone. Sometimes its worth is not enough to satisfy its meaning. There's a lot of meaning around us. When you are inside a box for a long time and you try to peak for a moment to be aware..you would see the best and the worst part of the environment. You will feel the caress of air every night, the longing for something you do not have, and you will feel that you have nothing except from the innate nature around you. By feeling those desired and undesired thoughts, the traumatic event seems to be always waiting for you to come. Until keeping inside the box is the only way to satisfy yourself and to keep yourself from feeling those traumatic events. Being inside the box is the only way to help yourself, to live life without worries.So from now, after ending the futile conversation and after peeking from the edges of my box, I must come to the point wherein I should close it and keep it from longing. Keep myself from being so stubborn, stupid, worthless, aggressive, and submissive. I must keep my box close until one day someone will open it and carry me from inside out. Letting me realize the beauty of outside, the beauty of the environment, the caress of air and the worth of life..So I must stop peeking. I must keep my box close as long as possible.. I must never try to open it all by myself...

My Heart

My heart

When I open my eyes, I found my heart
When I close it, I can't feel the pounding, the beating, the feeling of this heart longing for something
Am I really longing for this?
Or I just make myself worst by longing for something futile?

I am not actually deprived with love
Honestly, I have a lot of those.
From my parents, friends, and ofcourse from God.

So why am I longing for some additional?
If I will then turn worn out at the end
Why am I searching for additional mind- and heart-bugging activity
If I know that it will destroy me and distract me from being so silent.

Do I need to allow myself on this?
I should not.
But my eyes keeps on opening.
Keeps on peeking.
Until I found the real cause of that cheating.

I want to keep my eyes close.
Keep the feeling in vain.
Keep my hopes certain to God.
Keeps my dreams blank.
Keep my mind to rule over my heart!

If the Heavenly Father will allow..

Waiting at rest.

Nonsense.

Why are you here?
Are you waiting for something?
Waiting for someone?
What are you for?
and Why are you here?


Those questions flushed on my mind as I was doing and sitting here infront of the computer.
Why am I here then? I know myself that Im not into something. Just wanna spend the remaining time doing nothing infront of this thing. Sigh.
Are you looking for something? Are you waiting for something? or Are you waiting for someone?
Such a stupid question.
Such a stupid act.
Such a stupid person. Am I?

What's the truth then?
Im not into something. But Im just into satisfying myself.
How? how do I satisfy myself with this?
With this that Im doing nothing but thinking of a stupid act. Stupid mindset.

I hate boring days. I hate doing nothing.
And I hate the thoughts inside me while Im at rest - Full of rest.

but why?

Maybe due to the waiting attitude.
Waiting. I hate it.



Before the year started, I agreed that I'll stop doing things that would make me worst.
Yes. Im doing that. Only when I'm busy.
But when Im not, I cant see myself doing that.

After the restless days. I think ofcourse of rest. And I love that.
I love seeing myself at rest after the days of hardworks.
But too much rest seemed to be a poison on me.
Being intoxicated with "rest"
That's why Im ending up hating it.

How insane it is.
I know.

Too much rest caught me waiting.
Waiting for something -
For being loved, for being inlove, for being in the line, for being inspired.
Until I found myself losing.
So why I hate it.

I dont want to wait.
I dont want to keep myself intoxicated with rest.
I dont want myself restless though.

Waiting keeps me hoping for something so unpredictable.
Something futile. Something worthless.
Something unmanageable.


I just want to be guided with God's grace.
With God's love.
With God's purpose.
With my purpose.
With what He planned to me.

And I dont want to abstain myself on Him by just making and doing things I want to do.
I like to do. Doing things in my way.

I want it to be His way.


So stop making yourself worst.
Live life with Him.
Dont worry on those things.
It will flow and go with your life in God's time.
So just live with it.
Be satisfied with this.

Story

I cant find the words I want to say while sitting and writing here in front of this monitor.

Stories.
Stories, whether it is short or long, novel, fiction, I am really carried away the moment I read it.

Everyone has their own story. Life is a story.

Stop this!

am i going to be lost forever?

I should stop this feeling or else ill turn out into a worthless thing.

I should stop this.

Get this stupidity end!

I cant handle myself anymore. What more if it is too close?...

Stop! Control!


-----Stop this stupidity!!!!!!!
I hate this!

mind-bug

mind over matters..

my emotion makes me worst...


keep smiling!

waiting is FAITH

being what?...

being what??...
within this days.. i was in the state of again-being confused and something like i want something.. yesterday.. we had just a devotion, volunteered-devotion together with my groupmates.. it just said that..

"We should wait until God gave us what those we want.. Keep the faith and He will give that to us on the right time.."

Yes.. That's what im into.. why do i keep on searching?, keep on minding things that soon will be made if God approves.. Why am i too excited and anxious on the things that maybe not for my time yet. when I see other people together with their loved ones.. i have the feeling of When can I have that ones too?.. When can i feel the true emotions and true love, true care and true TRUST.. ?? When..? When this comes on my mind.. I just let it flow until I have get rid of it through my sleep.. But again, it keeps on distructing me. Hmmn.. Yes.. I do want to wait.. Wait until God has given me the opportunity.. I know.. this is one of the plan of God.. and I truly accept and respect that.. I think He knows all the consequences if I myself will be the one who will decide and make choices on my life.. without His consent or any, I know He knows what will happen to me if He will not guide me and control me on doing things like letting myself in deep emotions until i forgot all what's reality... Thats it.. I know that.. Hmmnn.. Why am I like this now?.. maybe because of the ENVIRONMENT.. again.. because of the things happening around me.. it just happened that i am too anxious and uncomfortable of the ideas that is for me unworthy to think of.. I dont know!.. Im too insane... Maybe because of too much admiration to Mr. N.. ahahaha! and i see him to my former classmate.. , with that.. i am too anxious.. hmmn.. whats on my mind then?.. Hmmn. basta.. its all about jeff.. what he's up to and what do i need to do on false thinkings about him.. mga "Tamang Hinala".. hmmn.. anyway.. I'll just wait.. as said above.. and i think im too busy to have those mentality on comitment.. hmmn.. ill just ride what God wants me to be.. Go on the flow and ride as if I'm with God....
Thanks to Him..


--stop it!!